Ahhhhhhhh.........

Crashed out
Originally uploaded by jenworth.

Finally!

I can rest. The house is on the market, as of today. Been working our asses off for weeks to get it ready. Funny, all the work that we hoped to do on the house while living there was done, as to make it someone else's home. Things were painted beige, a color not in my vocabulary. Things were "neutralized" across the board. A stager was hired. I gotta say, it looks amazing. It also looks like Not My House, which makes it easy to begin the detachment process. Soon, I'll no longer be a homeowner.

Two weeks ago I moved to the Lake Merritt part of Oakland. I like it here. It's such a change of pace from the suburbs of Richmond. I found a dog friendly apartment easily, and it happens to be a very cool apartment at that. I like to ignore the fact that my rent is more than my mortgage payment.
I live within easy walking distance to a grocery store. And, hey! One of the best things: restaurant delivery!

The day after I moved to Oakland, I got in my very first car accident. Bummer. I was hit by an unlicensed, uninsured driver on 580. I'm pretty much okay (back sprains and pain) and my car has been fixed. I'm drowning in insurance paperwork. But Hell! Recall how I used to complain about driving in traffic on 80? Be careful what you ask for. Now I dodge other vehicles in the madness that is known as the 580 Freeway.

Luna dog is here living with me, as evidenced by her crashed out sleeping on the couch. Rough life, eh? This is what she does while I work. Fortunately during all the hectic work of moving and selling the house and the car accident, I've been able to work from home. I'm working on a freelance project for Banana Republic. I'm finding artists to be in their in-store art program. Fun stuff.

In other news, it's been raining endlessly. Haven't been out riding my bike in forever. Now it's nice during the week, but is supposed to rain on the weekend. Gotta start training for the Death Ride soon!

I feel exhausted. Like I've been carrying a 50 pound weight strapped to my back for a month, and it was just taken off today. I am bone tired. I desperately want and need a weekend away. But it may not come anytime soon. Even camping would be swell. A break from the routine and some detachment from day to day life would be hugely relaxing now.

Oh man. Keep your fingers crossed the house fetches a good price. If I get some good money out of it, I'm going to go for a REAL extravagant vacation, like Maya Tulum or maybe even Canyon Ranch. You know, some swanky spa vacation like the rich ladies go on. Wouldn't that be nice?

Very Pink

Pink Bathroom
Originally uploaded by jenworth.

this is the very pink bathroom in my new place.

Forward Progress

Despite not working, I've been way busy. Here's a quick update.
I got Milo's paw print tattooed on me.
I found an apartment, rather easily, and it's mine on April 1st (no joke!)
I'm moving to Oakland!
There have been many runs to the dump, to donate, and to storage.
purge purge purge. it feels very good.
Barely been outside riding (cold, wet, and busy)
Have been teaching a weekly spin class at Ironworks.
Been getting my ass kicked in Scrabble lately.
All the divorce papers are done and we're still buds.
My resistance is low, and I caught a respiratory bug.
(I was sick this same time last year, with the same thing, go figure.)
I am very grateful so have so many good people in my life.

And I'm going to get a massage right now!

xoxo

Uh-Oh....

I made the cut for Death Ride lottery.

I'm in. Guess I better start training?

Once things settle down a bit I will. Right now, I'm about to move, about to sell my house, and about to go a leetle bit nutso....

It's March.

How did it get to be March already?

Hmmmm.

I've got too damned much on my plate right now, on my mind. It was a month ago tomorrow that I said goodbye to Milo; random thoughts and reminders can still send me into tears. The divorce, well, that's still plodding along and should be finalized in June. I've worked exactly six days this year; thus far, haven't been paid for any of the work. Oh, and it looks like we're going to be selling our house. That's the biggie: getting it ready to sell (oh, the amount of work that needs to be done!), putting it on the market, and then joining the Bay Area rental market. No doubt I'll be paying at least double what my share of the mortgage was. Any one of these issues would be enough. Nope, massive change is being thrown at me all at once.

I tell myself it can only get better, right?

I keep my fingers crossed for work, doing all the network-y stuff that's necessary but no fun. Work would at least take my mind off the other stuff and not make me feel vulnerable and poor.

I'm purging objects from my life, selling things on Craig's List left and right. I gave up my parking spot in the garage to two piles marked "dump" and "donate". Want anything? As much as I feel like I've let go, it still seems like there's so much physical clutter in my life.

Luna Dog is being exceptionally cute and cuddly lately. She's going for more car rides, more trips to the park. I'm thankful she's still in my life. There! I said something positive.

Cue up the Calgon commercial... I could use it.

Today's PMS-inspired thought

Be careful what you ask for. You just might get it.

New Ink

New Ink
Originally uploaded by jenworth.

Finally got the new tattoo I've been jonesin' for.

Sadness

Milo's Last Day
Originally uploaded by jenworth.

I'm missing him like crazy. He was such a presence in my life in small ways I wasn't even aware.

A day hasn't gone by without tears.

He was such a special soul.

Goodbye Milo

Milo
Originally uploaded by jenworth.

Milo, aka Dresden's Eye of the Storm.
November 28, 1998 - February 3, 2006.

My sweet little guy is gone. I had to let him go. His kidneys couldn't keep going. I couldn't let him suffer any more. He was such a brave, strong, loving boy. Words cannot describe how much I miss him and how much I'm hurting.

More. Soon.

Looking Back

Me and Milo on Xmas eve
Originally uploaded by jenworth.

Okay, so I'm not usually one for cheezy moments of Year In Review type stuff, but sometimes I think it's useful to remind oneself of things as a way to move forward.

So here I am, a summary of the highs and lows of my 2005.


The Best:

Landing the REI Adventures gig and had a blast doing it.

Got really into road cycling and had a lot of fun.

Milo’s health stabilized and improved.

Met and/or got closer to a few great people.

Made good money working as much as I wanted in advertising.

Felt like I learned a thing or two about life.

Felt gratitude for all the good in my life, and that I’ll learn from the bad.

Got outdoors a whole lot, and went some amazing places.



The Bummers:

The demise of my marriage.

The passing of Oscar The Cat.

Didn’t do as much dog training as I’d hoped.

It’s costly to keep Milo this healthy!

Spent a lot of time and money at the dentist due to another dentist.

Still depending on adbucks instead of more meaningful work.

Had some tough choices to make.

My yoga practice suffered, and therefore, so did I.



Hope 2006 is filled with love, lust and fun for all!

xoxo's to all my friends!

Solstice Thoughts

Happy Solstice
Originally uploaded by jenworth.

Reading Yoga Journal, I came across some thoughts from Buddhist meditation teacher Sharon Salzburg. The article states: "Whatever you count on...is bound to change. So you naturally suffer when that change happens." But as Salzburg sees it, the suffering stems not from change itself but from resistance to it. "Life is change, " she says. "Everything gets older and dies. That's true of animals and plants and humans."

Such is the cycle of life.
Happy Solstice...

Sad But True

Odd & Strange
Originally uploaded by jenworth.

It feels a little strange to post this on the internet, but here goes:

I'm getting divorced.

Yeah, that's what's occupying a lot of my life these days. As sad as it is, it's mutual and amicable. It sucks, though. You never want this, but sometimes after a lot of hard work, it's the kindest gift we can grant one another. The gift of hope, of moving forward, of greater happiness. It doesn't need to be viewed as failure. We're friends. I will always have fond feelings and love him. We're choosing to look at it as the next evolution of our relationship. But, still, it's hard and painful and it sucks.

I told my father the news recently. He said, "Well, can't you guys TRY? Don't you want to?" Uh, well, we didn't wake up one morning and decide to bail. It's not a decision made spontaneously or lightly.

So that's what's up with me. I'm grateful to the friends who have been supportive and encouraging and tolerant of my funk.

Tomorrow's the Solstice. Here's to Darkness and New Beginnings.

Milo Turned 7!

Milo's Birthday!
Originally uploaded by jenworth.

My Big Guy, Milo, had his 7th birthday yesterday. Earlier this year, I never thought he'd make it to see seven. He's in renal (kidney) failure, but seemingly holding steady these days, with a lot of help.

Milo's latest addition to his suite of meds is EPO (epogen), a red blood cell producer. You know, what the cyclists are reputedly doping with. Milo's on performance enchancing drugs! I gave him his first EPO shot this weekend. It supposed to help him with his anemia resulting from the renal failure.

Anyway, Milo had a party hat and pork chop for his birthday. At first he was walking around with the wrapped meat, refusing to give it up. Once it was unwrapped for him, he chomped it down pronto.

Happy Birthday Milo!

Goodbye, Oscar

Oscar
Originally uploaded by jenworth.

I had to let my dear, sweet cat Oscar go this past weekend.

Oscar has been declining slowly. He's had thyroid problems; he went from an 18 pound beefy boy to a 10 pound kitty this past year. He's been having other issues, too. Last week, though, it became clear he was really having difficulties. Oscar's back leg went out, and he moved about dragging the leg behind him. It just didn't work. The shuffling sound of the dragging appendage made me so sad.

Somehow, I knew I had to let him go. It was his time. We made the appointment to let him go. I am forever indebted to my wonderful vet and her staff for making the room and experience perfect for saying goodbye with dignity.

When Dr. Reed examined Oscar, she found a large mass in his abdomen. She said it was most likely cancerous, and it was pressing on a nerve in his leg, rendering the leg non-functional. This confirmed that this really was the right decision.

Saying goodbye was so hard. Staring into Oscar's eyes and watching him leave his body was so sad, yet so peaceful. He was ready, he didn't struggle. He was able to leave before the suffering became worse.

As I rode to the vet's office with the kitty carrier on my lap, I remembered the day in 1992 when I went to the ASPCA in uptown Manhattan looking for cat. It was Thanksgiving weekend, and I was living in Brooklyn having just graduated from college. Oscar was friendly and sweet even though his kennel card pronounced him "not good with other cats" (so true!). I brought Oscar home on the subway in a cardboard cat carrier. And for the next 13 years, Oscar was a part of my life. His weighty, stable presence was always a comfort.

R.I.P., my dear sweet friend. May you have Rottweilers to beat up on in Kitty Heaven and endless windows filled with sunshine and warm pillows.

The Return of Spinbox

The cycling season is winding down, and I'm about to enter my "rest" month.

Ha. As if.

Exercise is my antidepressant. Without it, I can be a glum bitch. Surely, now, I'd be quite unpleasant were it not for the exercise.

Tonight was the first night in a v-e-r-y long time that I went to "Spinbox", aka spin class followed immediately by boxing class. (Stopped because of all the cycling and to give my rotator cuff injury a chance to heal.) Whoa, my upper body got a workout. I'm sore already, including in my wrecked shoulder. I have a hard time with "take it easy" when it comes to punching.

It felt good. It felt needed. No rest for this girl.

Autumnal Equinox

Today is the last day of summer. Tomorrow is the first day of fall. How time flies.

Tonight, while riding, it seemed to get dark earlier than my awareness remembers. Now that it's dark, it feels especially cold.
Fall is always bittersweet to me. The changing leaves signal death and change.

I miss real seasons. Fall colors, falling leaves.

Speaking of colors, why is it called "feeling blue" when one is feeling down? I'd much rather be feeling purple. But blue it is.

Lost...but not forgotten?

Indian Caves
Originally uploaded by jenworth.

Somehow I've lost the ability to listen to my heart and not put the needs of others before what is good and true for me.

I feel an intense introspective period coming on....

Excellent Trip

We're on Mt. Hoffman!
Originally uploaded by jenworth.

Back from a great trip to Yosemite. Lots of great hiking; finally made it out to Young Lakes. Mount Hoffman, May Lake, Cloud's Rest were also taken in. Ate many one-pot gourmet wonders. Weather was perfect. Valley was crowded. Had an amazing time.

I'm swinging back through Yosemite this coming weekend since I'm doing a century over in Mammoth.

Coming out of the woods and hearing of the destruction from Katrina caused much sadness. Unbelievable, the situation.

Ponder This

On Mount Hoffman
Originally uploaded by jenworth.

Feeling sad. Missing this place. Space. Soon.

G'night.