duly noted.

"the only lasting beauty is the beauty of the heart."
- rumi

don't raid your dreams to do laundry.

the intention has been set.
i'm planning to go to india in 2009. the jar that collects pocket change has been infused with more meaning than collecting loose change. it's the beginning of savings for india. each time i drop loose change in the jar, i pause, thinking of my wish to visit india in the year of my 40th birthday. each time change is dropped in, the goal is microscopically closer. so much of life is about cultivating intention, and the intention steers the desire, the outcome.

so, no more turning the change jar upside down combing for quarters each time we do laundry. these quarters now have a more important purpose: funding a trip back to nepal, and to visit india for the first time. in looking at the dalai lama's website, i noticed he's doing his spring teachings in dharmsala in march of 2009. if the goal is to repeat the annapurna circuit again, this time with paul, then that timing works nicely when the circuit is in it's spring peak season before the monsoon.

india is such a vast land, so many places i'd love to see. time and money will, of course, dictate how long this 40th birthday adventure will be. however long, i know that these small tokens placed in the jar have a level of importance that is new.

emasculated!

yesterday, in the midst of a particularly chaotic day at work, an art director said something that cracked me up. an account person and i were talking to him about adjusting concepts to fit within a very meager budget, he said "you're trying to neuter my big idea." in all seriousness. it was one of those statements that gets filed away under "silly things people say in ad land".

Inhale. Exhale. Wait.

Fingers crossed.
The application was mailed today.
Now, I wait.
I feel a yes, only because I want it so.
It is the first step into opening
into a new path, but not really
it's more like going deeper
into the path i've been on
...the unknown.
(nothing is really known.)

buying a clear conscience

purchasing carbon offsets is like selling papal indulgences. you can't buy absolution with sinner's money. it's a nice idea, though.

Surrender

The war is over.
In fact, there never was one.
You were the only one fighting.

That 2007 Recap Crap!

I know I've dubbed it cheesy, this end of the year wrap-up. Having just looked a two previous years of recaps, I admit it's fun to see what I wrote back then. So, I bring you (or, honestly, it's more for my feeble memory) the bright spots and bummers of 2007.

Ups:

Being blessed with the opportunity to experience Nepal. I bring so much gratitude forth into each day because of that trip.

Luna continues to bring a lotta love in my life and her health has stabilized.

Splat The Cat joined the household....never met a wackier, lovier, retarded cat. Splat and Hippo are total buds.

Backpacked the Grand Canyon of the Tuloumne.

Got in a good amount of snowboarding and finally felt like I wasn't a flailing hack.

Traveled back east to see family and attend my 20th High School Reunion.

More good inkin' from Marcus.

Got a staff job at a place where everyone is really cool, even though the place itself is a little nutty.

Continue to really like renting and living on Lake Merritt.

Huge gratitude for sharing life with Mr. Super Zen.


Downs:

Didn't ride much, and barely rode my new custom Rex bike.

Bailed, due to allergies, on the one century I attempted.

Not nearly enough camping trips!

Got a staff job, which means I have much less freedom to take time off.

Some good friendships no longer were good.

Got wrong info and missed out on 6 months of my 401k!

My grandfather dying two weeks before I went back east to see him.

Meditation? What's that?

Exhale...

Once the holiday frenzy passed this week, there was a calming that seemed to have happened. Nothing hugely dramatic, but people seemed a little less frantic out there. It was welcome. It was sweet while it lasted. Tomorrow the frenzy resumes, work resumes, traffic resumes, and if I can hope that we take anything into the new year, it's a small glimmer of remembering this past week when things were just a little less harried and people seemed to move at less than warp speed.

Happy 2008! As a cashier at Trader Joe's said: "2008! It's gonna be great!"
That has become the mantra. It sounds fun. Sounds true. Sounds hopeful.

I haven't committed to writing down resolutions since 2005 but have begun a loose list this year, always trying to keep it to 10 things. Among this year's plans are to begin a yoga teacher training program, recommit to a regular sitting practice, and to clean up my diet. The post-Nepal sugar bender left itself behind in 2007.

I've done 3+ hours of yoga in the past two days and I feel much, much better for having done so.

Travel is Travel...

Words cannot begin to describe my experiences in Nepal. It was amazing. Incredible. Awesome. And yet, all those words don't do it justice, because the pendulum swung in all directions, so many emotions experienced. My world was made bigger. Life lessons came to light. I know I can do anything. Fear is bad. I wound up traveling alone, learning the hard way who my friends really are, and it was magical to be granted that buried treasure. Travel is travel, indeed.

So close.

Tomorrow's my last day of work before I leave on Monday. Wow. It still seems so unreal. This pack I've been loading and unloading, these guidebooks I've been reading, the thinking, it all has been busywork. It won't be for real until I'm off that plane in Bangkok and the adventure starts.

I can't wait. I feel incredibly lucky. My head will be pried open a thousand ways. Life will be shaken to its core. I'll be clear on the other side of the planet.

Already...

Today is the Autumnal Equinox. The first day of fall.

Here in the Bay Area, we've seen an unseasonably early touch of rain, a wave of cold. Two inches of snow fell in the Sierras. May this not be a fluke but rather a prediction of an early and hard long winter filled with an abundance of fresh powder. For two months now, I've had the snowboarding jones.

I leave in nine days. I have finally finished the oral typhoid vaccine pills. They gave me vertigo and conflicted with my morning coffee.

Saturday slips away....

Saturday flew by in a flurry of errands. I had planned to go to yoga at 8am. I don't use an alarm clock and by sleeping until 7:45, yoga was not to happen. Bummer about that, as I love Barbara and her class, and was hoping to make a few more of her classes before I leave.

I did have a massively productive day, taking advantage of the fact that P was out of town. I had a scrawly list, and knocked the following off said list:

met Luna's dad at Pet Club and we gave the dirty girl a bath. She's fluffy clean now!
berkeley farmer's market for this week's fruit and veggies
went to thrift store for cheap backpack for flight to Thailand (plan to pass it on and not take it on the trek. just need it to hold reading material, snacks and stuff for the flight)
got a hair cut
got a pedicure --way girlie pink toes!
went to travel store for eyemask, TSA-approved lock, etc.
bought the books i'm going to read on the plane (Three Cups of Tea, and Against The Stream)
went to Elephant Pharmacy for more chick supplies
got new batteries for Steripen and headlamp
Safeway for snack sized ziplock bags
got my wad of cash for the trip
made a pot of lentils
filled up the trial size containers with stuff i'm taking
un-packed, re-assessed, and put things into stuff sacks in a sensible order


forgot: to buy cat food for while i'm gone (duh!)
still to do: REI pro-deal pick-up and get cable lock then
decide what clothes i'm bringing.

i'm trying to keep the clothes to: one down jacket, thermal leggings, 2 pairs of pants (one on me at all times, well most of the time.) spare bra, two long sleeve shirst, one fleece top, three pairs of socks, thee pairs of underwear. maybe one t-shirt? but that's it for 7 weeks. i'll buy a skirt, hat and gloves, and trekking poles in Kathmandu.

i feel like i'm bringing a crapload of stuff, a lot just to take good care of jen. enough ibuprofin, electrolytes, moisturizer, first aid stuff and stuff to care for my feet. my seekrit stash has two chocolate bars. i know those will be gold to me at some point. i'm bringing 30 postcards of the Golden Gate Bridge to give out along the trail; I read in the guidebooks that people appreciate small gifts when appropriate. I feel like I'm bringing a fair amount of electronics/camera stuff, which is laughable compared to what Michelle will end up bringing. She's a pro, I'm a wanna-be.

and now I want to go cuddle my clean dog, since she's with me for the weekend. I'm going to miss Luna a bunch while I'm gone. (I hope she stays healthy. That's a request to the universe, please...)

now I'm going to clean up around here and continue sorting. how do i always find so much to do?

It's Thursday

A very scattered, random update from a sleepy girl who's squinting because she doesn't have her glasses on...

A blind couple has been coming to the past couple spin classes I teach. I love this! I give them so much credit, and admire the heck out of them. They bought cycling shoes and have jumped right in. It makes me teach differently, being very explicit in my instructions and calling things out with more warning. But I'm thrilled they're coming to class.

Paul, the lucky bastard, left for a backpacking trip with the guys. I'm super envious, mostly because with this staff job picking up for long weekends here and there is not an option. I also miss starry nights in chilly night skies. I hope he has fun!

Meanwhile, someone in our building stole our plastic laundry basket from the laundry room. WTF? Our laundry room is up three flights of stairs by the roof, unlike most buildings where laundry is in the basement. So I really need that laundry basket. I left a note, but suspect no one will return it. Because if you're lame enough to "borrow" or steal someone's laundry basket, are you really planning to return it?

Oh, and I finally got that friggin' lip stud removed and replaced with the hoop I'd wanted. I like it! Todd did a great placing on the piercing and got it exactly how I wanted it. I've got a little scar tissue on the inside of my lip from the stud's post being long and slamming around, but I'm slowly dissolving it by putting aspirin crushed into a paste onto the scar tissue each night; crazy, but it dissolves the tissue. You imagine what that feels like, okay?

My trip is just over two weeks away. After tomorrow, I have exactly two weeks of work. Thankfully I'm not very busy right now. There's one large project looming, but it's going to be someone else's work soon enough. It's sort of unbelievable that I will leave and return right before Thanksgiving. I'm back three days, and then we fly to Chicago to spend Thanksgiving with Paul's large family. No doubt I'll be culture-shocked.

I have gotten both my Nepalese and Indian visas, all my travel vaccinations, restocked my first aid kit, and gotten travel meds. I've given up on breaking in a new pair of boots. I'll go with my old ones, even though their tread is very nearly gone. At least they won't shred my feet. I have a new backpack, and have done a hike to get it dialed in. Hopefully more hiking in the next couple weeks will happen, too. I have to admit I'm at the worst level of physical fitness in a couple years. Working so much, living with someone I love who is an amazing cook and shares a sweet tooth-chocolate habit, all contribute to this.
Such is life. I had plans to be in mega-great shape, but plans don't always go as planned, do they?

Speaking of plans, at this point I'm going to go to India with Michelle. Although I'm considering spending a couple days at the Kopan Monastery north of Kathmandu, and then perhaps flying down to Varanasi and meeting her there. I also have an interest in going to Dharamsala, and she does not. Perhaps I'll go there on my own while Michelle goes on to Delhi to the Irish consulate; she's got to meet them about showing her work there, which is awesome. She wants to rejuvenate in Rishikesh, which sounds pretty great to me, so maybe we can meet up there after she goes to Delhi. Who knows? We have no set dates or reservations anywhere. I am not so keen on spending days upon days riding trains in India. I'd rather fly, and get to experience a place more deeply than to meditate past the "joys" of train travel. Like I said, who knows? I'm speculating at this point, and reality will be whatever it becomes.

I'm excited. Scared. Hopeful. This trip is going to be one of the biggest things I've done. Bigger, in some ways, than moving to Yosemite three years back.

I've started a blog for my friends to read about my trip. I'll post there from the road, so that people can be kept updated about my adventure. Drop me an email if you want to get the URL. If I like you, I'll tell you about it. It's entirely separate from this one, and you stalkery types can't just get there from here.

An understanding.

In four weeks, I leave on my trip. The bombings that occured today are an all-too-real reminder that I'm leaving the "secure" and the familiar.

Michelle and I talked and agreed we didn't want to spend unncessary time in Kathmandu. We're probably safe on the Annapurna Circuit. Crowds, public transit, urban streets all may not be the safest places leading up to Nepal's upcoming elections on November 22nd.

Michelle has elected to go to India instead of Tibet after we do the Circuit. She needs to go to the Irish Embassy in Delhi to meet with them about having a photo show at the Embassy of her Himalaya photographs. She'll be going to Agra, and perhaps Varanasi. I'll get my Indian visa for the possibility of joining her, but will not be making any decisions, rather leaving open the possibility for staying in Nepal.

Given the political climate in Nepal, it could be safer to boogie down to India. India will be overwhelming, more intense than Nepal. We'll see.

I have been looking at September in a way that may seem morbid. I am making the effort to get together with people. I have this deep seated understanding that with this kind of travel the chance exists, however small, that I may not return. I could die. I don't want to, but I am at peace with the remote possibility. I say that undramatically. I am going to be smart, but I'm also a believer in living the life you want, and if you expire living fully, that sucks, but it sure beats living safely by the dim glow of your widescreen television.

Four. Days. Off.

Four days off over labor day weekend seems downright decadent. Like a mini-vacation. Such is the thinking of a staffer. Grateful for several days off, because I can't just take as much time off as I'd like because I only get so much vacation time a year. Sillyness!

I want to go on the annual women's yoga retreat at the end of the month. It would involve taking two days off. No big deal, right? Except I'd be taking two days off right before my much-planned seven week leave of absence from work, and I don't think they'd take too kindly to me extending it, since it was a bit of sticking point to get everyone to agree to hire me and let me leave two months later. So I ponder, do I push the issue? It would also involve returning home from the retreat fifteen hours before I must be at the airport.

Anyway, I'm enjoying the time now. Friday P needed to borrow my car before the Bay Bridge closure, so I did many Nepal related errands on my beater bike. The Bank. REI. Walgreen's. AAA (they don't sell traveller's cheques anymore? who knew?). Good Vibes. Industrial Strength. The bank again, this time for traveller's cheques. Fun doing errands on the bike!

Been very sluggy these past two days. More errands today: REI again (exchanged the heel-ripping boots), Bed-Bath-Beyond (who knew knives were so expensive?) and other puttery things.

And after all this, I still have tomorrow off! Amazing!

Work is soooooooo overrated.

Needles

The three day needle-o-rama is over, thankfully. Sunday's needle-fun was finishing up the my chest piece tattoo. (It looked done to me, but Marcus found another hour's worth of perfection to ink into me. It looks even better now!) Monday was less needly fun, but necessary. I got Supartz shots in both knees in preparation for my upcoming trip. Arthritis sucks, and that's all I'll say about that. Yesterday was travel vaccine day: tetanus shot, polio booster, and Hep A vaccine. I nicely declined Rabies vaccines and Japanese Encephalitis (!?!). All set for India and Nepal now.

Speaking of needles, it occured to me that if Amy Winehouse hooked up with Pete Doherty we could watch a modern day Sid and Nancy implosion. You heard it here first. They're a match waiting to happen.

Five Weeks

Yep, I leave for Nepal in five weeks. It's starting to seem real. I get my shots this week. I have my Nepalese visa. I got my new pack, a Granite Gear. I also bought a new pair of hiking boots since mine are not up to the challenge.

This morning I decided to take said new pair of hiking boots for a break-in hike. Nothing too crazy, just a couple miles in Redwood Regional. New boots, new socks. (No first aid kit, either, see where this is going....?) I'm out there for a while and I'm feeling some burning on my heels that lets me know a blister is wanting to happen. I undo my shoes, rearrange my socks and hope for the best while heading off on another loop. (Note to self: this would have been a good time to head for the car!) I have my ipod and am hiking along. The friction is getting worse.

"Don't add suffering to your pain." This Buddhist inspired thought ran through my had. Scratch that, it became my friggin' mantra. The friction turned into fire. Just Breathe, Jen. Except that only works for so long. When the fire turned into a stabbing knife, I stopped and took my boots and socks off again. Well, that explains the pain, I thought. There was open, exposed raw skin about the size of two quarters on each foot. One still had a bit of protective skin flap on it, so it hurt less. The exposed one was the massive "sensation".

Did I mention I didn't have a first aid kit? Did I mention that I'm a Wilderness First Responder so I know how dumb it is to not have one? Right. I looked in my bag for something to help get me out of this mess. Score! I had a banana! I carefully wrapped strips of the banana peel around each heel. It was comfortingly cool. It also provided just enough buffer that I could get back to the car, maybe another mile or so. I took off, wincing, and moved (hobbly hiked?) as quickly as I could.

I am pleased at my resourcefulness in the face of my own stupidity.

These boots have some issues to work out if they're going to Nepal.

Body Mod

I am sportin' two new body mods. One fairly temporary, one fairly permanent.

I spent my birthday on an airplane, making it kind of anti-birthday to someone like me. Birthdays are a big day in my book. August 1st commenced the start of staffdom. Bothing things were taken into consideration when I....pierced my lip! I've wanted to do it for years. After the swelling goes down and healing is progressing, I'll swap out this post for a snug little hoop that will sit prettily on my lower lip, right corner. It didn't even hurt! I am learning to talk and eat with this thing. Wee bit tricky.

Also got hennaed today. Darcy from the Henna Lounge was over at Namaste Yoga in Rockridge, so I called to get adorned. My birthday present to myself! Darcy is so sweet, and so talented. It was fun! Before Nepal, Darcy will henna my knees for their luck, and also do a belly henna for preggo Justine.

I figured with a staff gig, they can't do anything about it. I had to look a little more pro as a freelancer, not now! Paul's out of town, and the body mod bug has been biting. Also bought two boxes of semi-perm hair dye, so I can still have more fun!

In a (visual) nutshell

Want to see photos from our backpacking trip of the Grand Canyon of the Tuolumne? Michelle, friend and professional shutterbabe, took these photos of our trip. Take a look.

Staffer

Today, four years of freelancing comes to halt. Today I start a staff gig at Cutwater.

I've been freelancing there since May, so I believe I know what I'm getting myself into. Cool people.