November 13, 2006

The Wall

I've hit the proverbial wall. I'm done. I'm exhausted. And cranky.

I no longer care. I just want to be done.

I've been working too much this year. Giving too much of my own energy, brainpower and life. I don't know how the people around me, the staffers, do it. We're all working on one of the biggest product launches in years, and these exhausted souls have been at it for months.

I wish I could be done working in advertising. I think what I find so draining about it is that I find it meaningless. It doesn't fuel my need to do personally meaningful work that has a purpose that I find worthwhile.

Today, while riding BART into the city, I thought, "I really wonder what it would take to work in Veterinary Medicine." In high school I abandoned my call to be a Vet, thanks (or not) to some very misguided advice from my high school guidance counselor.
I want to work with animals. I want to be involved in holistic health. This is all overshadowed by my reluctance to go into debt by going back to school.

It's hard to summon the ongoing energy to work on something that doesn't feel fulfilling.

I've also realized that if I want time off, I need to turn down work. I would really like the month of December off. I'm just putting that out into the universe, since I seem to have a difficult time turning down work.

In other news:

I've really been feeling the loss of Milo lately. I've had a couple hard crying jags. He would have been eight at the end of this month. I still miss his velvety block head and weighty silent presence on a regular basis.

I have decided to take fun into my own hands. Years ago, I said I wanted to do a rafting trip through the Grand Canyon. Next year, I will do it. Alone.

I've also been talking about taking a yoga teacher training course. Next year I want to begin this. I'm not saying I will be a yoga teacher immediately afterwards, but I want to begin the process.

Starting in December, I have a permanent slot teaching Spin at Berkeley Ironworks. An evening class, even!

There's a lot of good in my life. I just need to take a step back from all this work to recognize and appreciate it.


Sharkbait said...

It seems like everybody I know is feeling this way (myself included)! Maybe it's the rain/planets/age. We're all stuck.

About loss...maybe do something cathartic - make a Milo tribute, a scrapbook, story, drawing, volunteer at an animal shelter (or just go there and pet the animals), look into vet school, put an ad on CL to be a dogwalker (very popular right now that it's raining), or talk to breeders about dogs (breeders LOVE to talk about their animals and you can get into some pretty interesting conversations). Basically, do ANYTHING besides work and you're sure to feel better! :-)

Hang in there! It'll get better.

Jen said...

thanks! one truism is it always seems to get better.
i've done my milo tribute: tattooed his paw print on me. only time will heal. it's not like i don't have one fantastic dog who still shares my life.

it's this friggin' weather, yeah......