but it's been forever since i've blogged. i can handle ten more things. it's like a to-do list. here goes:
1. the month of october took me to australia, india and portland for work. incredible to experience!
2. each time i got on a plane, i would come down with a cold a few days later. (booo!)
3. the final flight from india, coupled with extreme exhaustion, left me sideswiped with a cold, one i still have
with me three weeks after getting it. (double and triple boo!)
4. despite that, i've been steadily gymming to get stronger. exercising before work is the key.
5. did an awesome hike last weekend, longest since the surgery.
6. knee is still swollen from long-ass flight from india, so cortisone shot was had this week.
7. who knew, but cortisone screws up my periods. this has proven to be true again.
8. taking luna away to doggie paradise for thanksgiving, and will scatter milo's ashes in mendocino.
9. started working with a personal trainer to get stronger for the next surgery.
10. the ACI surgery (cartilage transplant) is the BIG ONE and it's scheduled for december 29th.
**bonus #11: must snowboard before losing the season due to surgery.
ciao!
November 22, 2008
October 3, 2008
two months later: ten more things
1. it's been forever since i blogged. after being bugged by co-workers, i got on facebook. that takes enough online life.
2. i completed the six months yoga immersion.
3. my knees are sooooooo much better, but still need more fixin'.
4. last weekend i did the same hike in redwood as i did the morning before surgery. i am back!
5. i've got a pretty steady gym habit going.
6. work has been unreal. insane. consuming. not good.
7. i leave monday for australia. for work. for less than a week.
8. if the cards land right, i'm going to india for work, too.
9. i need unrelated-to-the-knee surgery. chick problems. dammit.
10. i went to the folsom street fair for the first time. it was too crowded to see much.
2. i completed the six months yoga immersion.
3. my knees are sooooooo much better, but still need more fixin'.
4. last weekend i did the same hike in redwood as i did the morning before surgery. i am back!
5. i've got a pretty steady gym habit going.
6. work has been unreal. insane. consuming. not good.
7. i leave monday for australia. for work. for less than a week.
8. if the cards land right, i'm going to india for work, too.
9. i need unrelated-to-the-knee surgery. chick problems. dammit.
10. i went to the folsom street fair for the first time. it was too crowded to see much.
August 5, 2008
ten things of late...
1. i've had my knee drained twice since surgery. at today's drainage, i also got my first-ever cortisone shot in my knee. BOO!
2. i'm totally learning to walk all over again on the right knee.
3. i learned today my right patella is missing a quarter sized piece of cartilage underneath. dunno about ole lefty. she's being blissfully compliant and i often forget lefty got poked around in, too.
4. I CAN GO IN THE POOL!!!! Er, walking in the pool, that is. I can "swim" but no kicking. Throws off tracking in the knee in water.
5. My physical therapist said the magic word B-I-K-E !!! If progress continues forward, on Friday I get on the stationary bike. No resistance, but who cares?!?
6. I'm having a private yoga session tomorrow and I can't tell you how much I can't wait.
7. I'm very lucky to have the job I do right now.
8. I turned 39 last week, Walked a mile, and had amazing chocolate cheesecake.
9. In the name of spontaneity, I'm going to the midnight showing of Pineapple Express.
10....I can, because I'm working from home tomorrow, am lucky to have the job I have, have an angel help me recover, and recover I will (and am!). Once again, life could suck a whole lot worse. Gratitude is good.
2. i'm totally learning to walk all over again on the right knee.
3. i learned today my right patella is missing a quarter sized piece of cartilage underneath. dunno about ole lefty. she's being blissfully compliant and i often forget lefty got poked around in, too.
4. I CAN GO IN THE POOL!!!! Er, walking in the pool, that is. I can "swim" but no kicking. Throws off tracking in the knee in water.
5. My physical therapist said the magic word B-I-K-E !!! If progress continues forward, on Friday I get on the stationary bike. No resistance, but who cares?!?
6. I'm having a private yoga session tomorrow and I can't tell you how much I can't wait.
7. I'm very lucky to have the job I do right now.
8. I turned 39 last week, Walked a mile, and had amazing chocolate cheesecake.
9. In the name of spontaneity, I'm going to the midnight showing of Pineapple Express.
10....I can, because I'm working from home tomorrow, am lucky to have the job I have, have an angel help me recover, and recover I will (and am!). Once again, life could suck a whole lot worse. Gratitude is good.
July 23, 2008
Inspiration: what inspires me this week
This video
Carly: a blind woman, who was hit by a car in a crosswalk. She was in a coma, and had a long rehab. She spins now. She's an amazingly strong spirit.
My yoga practice. Right now it's a source of exploration and information.
Carly: a blind woman, who was hit by a car in a crosswalk. She was in a coma, and had a long rehab. She spins now. She's an amazingly strong spirit.
My yoga practice. Right now it's a source of exploration and information.
July 21, 2008
i could cry, but i choose laughter
Day 3, post knee surgery:
today, i ventured out of the house! i felt air on my skin! i saw life happening! i went to lanesplitter's for a quick lunch. okay, nevermind that it probably took more time than i was outside to: unhook the picnic coolers, remove the anti embolism stockings, put on pants, and crutch-walk my pokey self down hall, down four steps (thankfully, there's only 4!), open door and get self into 4 Runner. getting one's self into a car isn't quite so easy when one's knees don't bend.
yeah. my right knee is wonky. swollen. huge. it looks like a misshapen soccer ball. only with sesame street band-aids and a few bruises on said sad misshapen ball. it's not stable in the joint, but if i carefully step into the foot, i can get the knee to stabilize. truth be told, there's some fear of weight bearing on ole righty! when i removed the dressing for the first time last evening, i saw my right knee had an extra stitch, which translates into a third place a scope or device entered my knee joint.
left knee: great. barely swollen. still not so bendy, but pretty fine for three days out.
my handicapped placard came! holy crap, i'm lame! i'm excited to have a disabled placard. (full disclosure: i can park on the metered streets for free in SF and no longer pay $18 to park near work!)
super scrabble, iChat, backgammon, and paul are keeping me from losing it.
tonight i laughed at this outdoorsy moment of lameness. i desperately needed a shower, but didn't feel like i could be stable standing in the shower for 5 minutes without crutches on a soapy surface. so paul put a big picnic cooler in the tub and i sat on that and showered! clever guy, love him! i felt like i was in an elderly shower stall, but i am CLEAN and that's all that matters!
still avoiding the percocet. except for popping a vicodin before bed, i'm only taking ibuprofin. yay!
i start PT thursday, and go back to the doc that day, too. i'm not so sure i'll be mobile enough to return to work next monday. i'm hopeful, but we shall see!
freshly showered, now it's back to the KoolerHosen.
today, i ventured out of the house! i felt air on my skin! i saw life happening! i went to lanesplitter's for a quick lunch. okay, nevermind that it probably took more time than i was outside to: unhook the picnic coolers, remove the anti embolism stockings, put on pants, and crutch-walk my pokey self down hall, down four steps (thankfully, there's only 4!), open door and get self into 4 Runner. getting one's self into a car isn't quite so easy when one's knees don't bend.
yeah. my right knee is wonky. swollen. huge. it looks like a misshapen soccer ball. only with sesame street band-aids and a few bruises on said sad misshapen ball. it's not stable in the joint, but if i carefully step into the foot, i can get the knee to stabilize. truth be told, there's some fear of weight bearing on ole righty! when i removed the dressing for the first time last evening, i saw my right knee had an extra stitch, which translates into a third place a scope or device entered my knee joint.
left knee: great. barely swollen. still not so bendy, but pretty fine for three days out.
my handicapped placard came! holy crap, i'm lame! i'm excited to have a disabled placard. (full disclosure: i can park on the metered streets for free in SF and no longer pay $18 to park near work!)
super scrabble, iChat, backgammon, and paul are keeping me from losing it.
tonight i laughed at this outdoorsy moment of lameness. i desperately needed a shower, but didn't feel like i could be stable standing in the shower for 5 minutes without crutches on a soapy surface. so paul put a big picnic cooler in the tub and i sat on that and showered! clever guy, love him! i felt like i was in an elderly shower stall, but i am CLEAN and that's all that matters!
still avoiding the percocet. except for popping a vicodin before bed, i'm only taking ibuprofin. yay!
i start PT thursday, and go back to the doc that day, too. i'm not so sure i'll be mobile enough to return to work next monday. i'm hopeful, but we shall see!
freshly showered, now it's back to the KoolerHosen
July 19, 2008
on the other side...
my knee surgery was yesterday. all things considered, i'm doing great. i haven't spoken to my surgeon since before the surgery, but he left paul a VM saying it went well, my knees were better than expected, the problem remains the lack of cartilage under the knees, and i am a candidate for the ACI procedure. all good news. the big bummer yesterday was the anesthesia made me vomit anything i put in my mouth. it was a cycle of a constant wave of nausea. i even threw up in the car on the way home, splashing cranberry juice vomit all over paul and me. paul kept giving me a progressively larger vessel to puke into. finally, i took some promethazine, an anti-nausea drug, and i was able to keep dinner down.
let me back up...my knees have these braces which circulate icy water through hoses attached to mini picnic coolers. each knee has a cooler. i'm also sporting some sexy anti-embolism stockings. i'm supposed to be keeping the picnic coolers attached round the clock for 48 hours, and my nurse nazi is lovingly ensuring i follow doctor's orders.
i feel SO much better today with the anesthesia and drugs out of my body (i know i had the following in me: morphine, antibiotics, anti-nausea meds all put into my IV bag.) for the most part i've been managing the pain with ibuprofin only. percocet scares me, i don't want to be all drugged up; besides, i want to feel the pain a wee bit to remind me that i ought to be taking it easy.
this morning i was feeling great! thus far, i've had no pain in my left knee. almost 90 degree bend can be had. my right knee felt pretty good, but then it was having some stinging in a localized point (maybe where the scope went in?) but this afternoon a low-level ache all throughout the joint has made itself known. did i do too much? i've hobbled a bit without the crutches, and i stood in the kitchen making my coffee this morning.
really, though, the hardest part is being immobile and sitting still. BORED! hello, we have no TV! and the internet gets boring. and i've read my magazines. my attention span is too short right now to dig into a book. the kitties provide some entertainment. i feel very lucky, because i think this could be worse.
my big outing planned for today is a walk down the hall to get the mail. woo!
let me back up...my knees have these braces which circulate icy water through hoses attached to mini picnic coolers. each knee has a cooler. i'm also sporting some sexy anti-embolism stockings. i'm supposed to be keeping the picnic coolers attached round the clock for 48 hours, and my nurse nazi is lovingly ensuring i follow doctor's orders.
i feel SO much better today with the anesthesia and drugs out of my body (i know i had the following in me: morphine, antibiotics, anti-nausea meds all put into my IV bag.) for the most part i've been managing the pain with ibuprofin only. percocet scares me, i don't want to be all drugged up; besides, i want to feel the pain a wee bit to remind me that i ought to be taking it easy.
this morning i was feeling great! thus far, i've had no pain in my left knee. almost 90 degree bend can be had. my right knee felt pretty good, but then it was having some stinging in a localized point (maybe where the scope went in?) but this afternoon a low-level ache all throughout the joint has made itself known. did i do too much? i've hobbled a bit without the crutches, and i stood in the kitchen making my coffee this morning.
really, though, the hardest part is being immobile and sitting still. BORED! hello, we have no TV! and the internet gets boring. and i've read my magazines. my attention span is too short right now to dig into a book. the kitties provide some entertainment. i feel very lucky, because i think this could be worse.
my big outing planned for today is a walk down the hall to get the mail. woo!
July 13, 2008
lovely
I'd been trippin' on a self induced pity party about my knees. Life smacked me in the face and gave me several opportunities to get over myself. There's nothing like being shaken to one's core with sadness, and to see dear ones face death of those they love deeply. My suffering could be so much greater.
Having emerged from My Funk, I have renewed commitment towards steering myself away from pessimism. Welcome to the Summer of Radical Positivity. I'm hopeful it sticks around and rolls into the next season. And so on.
The camping trip, as always, was like a reset button. Pinnacles was HOT! There was great hiking to be had, and we enjoyed mellow hot days, and wonderful camp dinners. Stargazing and the sounds of coyotes were evening treats. A beery yoga practice was enjoyed under the shade of a large oak tree.
Since I've ceased teaching Spin (for now), I've been trying to get in more hikes. It's pretty great to head up to Redwood and get in a hike before work. We've been pulling it off regularly. It starts the day off right, in a way a trip to the gym never could for me.
This weekend is another yoga immersion weekend. Yesterday was a fun day! Afterwards, my dear one picked me up and we went for a picnic in the Headlands to watch the sunset. We watched the sun setting, pelicans swooping, and had a really nice little meal. It was one of the sweetest things ever.
Surgery is this Friday. I'm heading down to LA for production on Wednesday and Thursday. It's going to be a busy week, which will be a good distraction. I'm a bit scared about what's to come but trying to remember, at this point, it could be a whole lot worse.
Having emerged from My Funk, I have renewed commitment towards steering myself away from pessimism. Welcome to the Summer of Radical Positivity. I'm hopeful it sticks around and rolls into the next season. And so on.
The camping trip, as always, was like a reset button. Pinnacles was HOT! There was great hiking to be had, and we enjoyed mellow hot days, and wonderful camp dinners. Stargazing and the sounds of coyotes were evening treats. A beery yoga practice was enjoyed under the shade of a large oak tree.
Since I've ceased teaching Spin (for now), I've been trying to get in more hikes. It's pretty great to head up to Redwood and get in a hike before work. We've been pulling it off regularly. It starts the day off right, in a way a trip to the gym never could for me.
This weekend is another yoga immersion weekend. Yesterday was a fun day! Afterwards, my dear one picked me up and we went for a picnic in the Headlands to watch the sunset. We watched the sun setting, pelicans swooping, and had a really nice little meal. It was one of the sweetest things ever.
Surgery is this Friday. I'm heading down to LA for production on Wednesday and Thursday. It's going to be a busy week, which will be a good distraction. I'm a bit scared about what's to come but trying to remember, at this point, it could be a whole lot worse.
June 11, 2008
Ten Things
1. I haven't come around to say words about my lovely yoga retreat at Fully Belly Farm over Memorial Day weekend. It was really wonderful. I left with a renewed interest in practicing outside more, having hugged a baby goat, drank milk straight from the cow, and nourished with fresh, fresh farm produce. I've since given up the soymilk, and am working raw milk into my diet. I also joined the Full Belly Farm CSA and now get a weekly produce box. Sweet!
2. I paid a visit to an Ayurvedic/Jyotisha (Indian "astrology") practitioner. I learned many interesting and dead-on details from my "road map" of life. That's a whole 'nother post itself. I should record the details so I don't forget.
3. Splat the Cat was put in my life to learn about love. He offers it unconditionally and with Hippo The Scaredy as the yang to Splat's yin, it's quite something to be offered life lessons from one's cats.
4. My honey and I have been pulling off morning hikes in Redwood before work, usually 3 days a week. It's amazing how fresh air and nature lift my spirits.
5. This past weekend was the third weekend of six of my yoga Immersion program. It is incredible to be in company of people who have the same interest in community, learning, growing, practicing yoga. I am still uplifted from this past weekend.
6. There's someone I've been getting closer to and it's fun.
7. I'm bailing out on a meditation retreat over the Fourth of July weekend because I scored a campsite at Pinnacles National Monument. I've never been there, but have heard great things about Pinnacles. Big climbing spot, amazing rock. Looking forward to a mellow weekend of camping goodness.
8. My summer has suddenly gotten shorter. I've been quiet on the subject, but I'm having knee surgery (on both knees!) on July 18th. This surgery will determine if I'm a candidate for cartilage replacement surgery (ACI procedure, where they harvest cartilage from my knee to grow more in a New England petri dish). If I am suited for the procedure, I'm looking at two more surgeries, quite extensive with long recovery times.
9. The ramifications of said surgery has been occupying too much brain space. I'm not good at being slow, immobile, helpless, reliant on others, patient, quiet, listening to my body, etc. Perhaps because of this, I'm being handed the opportunity to learn. I feel like the car accident two years ago was a way to learn to listen to my body, and that I have yet to fully understand how. I am looking at the upcoming surgery/surgeries as a way to know my body better, to use my body as a laboratory of health and healing, and to use my yoga practice heavily in rehab. This next year could be quite challenging, just as much for my mind as for my body.
10. Mt. Whitney is officially off. My 39th birthday will not be spent hiking to the highest point of the lower 48. It will be spent hobbling. I've got to find something kickass to do, regardless.
2. I paid a visit to an Ayurvedic/Jyotisha (Indian "astrology") practitioner. I learned many interesting and dead-on details from my "road map" of life. That's a whole 'nother post itself. I should record the details so I don't forget.
3. Splat the Cat was put in my life to learn about love. He offers it unconditionally and with Hippo The Scaredy as the yang to Splat's yin, it's quite something to be offered life lessons from one's cats.
4. My honey and I have been pulling off morning hikes in Redwood before work, usually 3 days a week. It's amazing how fresh air and nature lift my spirits.
5. This past weekend was the third weekend of six of my yoga Immersion program. It is incredible to be in company of people who have the same interest in community, learning, growing, practicing yoga. I am still uplifted from this past weekend.
6. There's someone I've been getting closer to and it's fun.
7. I'm bailing out on a meditation retreat over the Fourth of July weekend because I scored a campsite at Pinnacles National Monument. I've never been there, but have heard great things about Pinnacles. Big climbing spot, amazing rock. Looking forward to a mellow weekend of camping goodness.
8. My summer has suddenly gotten shorter. I've been quiet on the subject, but I'm having knee surgery (on both knees!) on July 18th. This surgery will determine if I'm a candidate for cartilage replacement surgery (ACI procedure, where they harvest cartilage from my knee to grow more in a New England petri dish). If I am suited for the procedure, I'm looking at two more surgeries, quite extensive with long recovery times.
9. The ramifications of said surgery has been occupying too much brain space. I'm not good at being slow, immobile, helpless, reliant on others, patient, quiet, listening to my body, etc. Perhaps because of this, I'm being handed the opportunity to learn. I feel like the car accident two years ago was a way to learn to listen to my body, and that I have yet to fully understand how. I am looking at the upcoming surgery/surgeries as a way to know my body better, to use my body as a laboratory of health and healing, and to use my yoga practice heavily in rehab. This next year could be quite challenging, just as much for my mind as for my body.
10. Mt. Whitney is officially off. My 39th birthday will not be spent hiking to the highest point of the lower 48. It will be spent hobbling. I've got to find something kickass to do, regardless.
May 22, 2008
what happened to may?
the memorial day weekend is upon us. how did this happen? it's nearly the end of the month, and the un-official start of summer. may has been a pretty blissy month. for my holiday weekend, i'm taking off to fully belly farm for a camping yoga retreat. sleeping in a tent under the stars and practicing yoga outside a couple times a day sounds heavenly. and with that, i'm off to pack.
May 3, 2008
p.s. about work
while i am on the peace 'n' love high from yoga, i want to quickly mention a few thing i love about my job, since i spend a decent amount complaining about advertising and how it goes against much of my beliefs.
in no particular order, i really appreciate:
getting to dress like a 12 year old every day
the enthusiasm and passion many there have for the work they do
many of the people i work with are really cool people
i have (or take) more flexibility than many workerbees receive
i don't sit in meetings all day in a corporate environment
it's a dog friendly office
the brisk walks to and from BART
health insurance
a 401k!!!
i get to be a creative problem solver and make things happen
that taking off a day to go snowboarding totally counts for calling in sick
my tattoos are considered a good thing, not something to hide.
see, it isn't all bad....
in no particular order, i really appreciate:
getting to dress like a 12 year old every day
the enthusiasm and passion many there have for the work they do
many of the people i work with are really cool people
i have (or take) more flexibility than many workerbees receive
i don't sit in meetings all day in a corporate environment
it's a dog friendly office
the brisk walks to and from BART
health insurance
a 401k!!!
i get to be a creative problem solver and make things happen
that taking off a day to go snowboarding totally counts for calling in sick
my tattoos are considered a good thing, not something to hide.
see, it isn't all bad....
It came to me a while ago.
It was a general epiphany from the darkness of the Tulum sweat lodge, but while it made good sense it wasn't currently applicable. From out of nowhere this thought came into my brain:
There is power and magic in the darkness, for from the darkness comes light.
It sounds deep and meaningful, no? I love when obscure thoughts get placed into my brain like this one did.
It's going to be something I repeat back to myself, along with the thought that difficult times and illness can be our most powerful teachers. I've been procrastinating on blogging this, but I need some significant knee surgery. On both knees. Two surgeries each knee, in fact. The first has a one month recovery, the second is s-i-x months of recovery. That thought is scary to me on so many levels.
It's the second weekend of the yoga Immersion. So much information, such a supportive environment, and dammit, I Love The Yoga!
There is power and magic in the darkness, for from the darkness comes light.
It sounds deep and meaningful, no? I love when obscure thoughts get placed into my brain like this one did.
It's going to be something I repeat back to myself, along with the thought that difficult times and illness can be our most powerful teachers. I've been procrastinating on blogging this, but I need some significant knee surgery. On both knees. Two surgeries each knee, in fact. The first has a one month recovery, the second is s-i-x months of recovery. That thought is scary to me on so many levels.
It's the second weekend of the yoga Immersion. So much information, such a supportive environment, and dammit, I Love The Yoga!
April 14, 2008
right livelihood.
I can only squelch it down for so long when I work in advertising. It's been eleven months since I've been at my current ad gig. While the people are cool, the work environment casual and dog-friendly, I can't lie to my soul. Yes, I enjoy juggling, making things happen, having a semi-creative job and producing cool stuff. But at the end of the day, it doesn't satisfy me. I feel like those hours are lost from my life without anything to show. I don't feel passionate about my job. I don't come home at the end of the day excited and filled with energy. (Does anyone, really?)
I want more. I want this moreness to not involve a cubicle. Or many hours in a chair. Or long meetings. All of that.
I am on the verge of another change. I feel it. The stirring of dissatisfaction with the notion that my work isn't contributing to the world in some meaningful way. Let's face it, advertising isn't life altering. That Jeep? It won't make you a kinder, more thoughtful person. That award you won, the PR you received, it's all ego gratification. There's more out there.
My Anusara Immersion began. Weekend #1 of 6 was this past weekend. It was wonderful, exhausting, enlightening, and powerful to be in a room packed with people dedicated to the same practice, of wanting to know themselves more and to be more open to life.
I'm toying around with the idea of studying massage therapy in addition to yoga. Who knows where this exploration will lead. I'm open to the possibilities.
All I know is that we are very clearly in a recession, and it may not be the wisest time to jump into the unknown. Or it could be the best time. Fear has held me in place more than once in my life, and I am listening to the fear now, but now I can listen and let it wash away. I can leave work whenever I want. It would be foolish to jump now. I would like a little more of a plan. I can study massage on weekends, just like yoga. Now, instead of being fearful I'm excited to be open to what may come next.
I want more. I want this moreness to not involve a cubicle. Or many hours in a chair. Or long meetings. All of that.
I am on the verge of another change. I feel it. The stirring of dissatisfaction with the notion that my work isn't contributing to the world in some meaningful way. Let's face it, advertising isn't life altering. That Jeep? It won't make you a kinder, more thoughtful person. That award you won, the PR you received, it's all ego gratification. There's more out there.
My Anusara Immersion began. Weekend #1 of 6 was this past weekend. It was wonderful, exhausting, enlightening, and powerful to be in a room packed with people dedicated to the same practice, of wanting to know themselves more and to be more open to life.
I'm toying around with the idea of studying massage therapy in addition to yoga. Who knows where this exploration will lead. I'm open to the possibilities.
All I know is that we are very clearly in a recession, and it may not be the wisest time to jump into the unknown. Or it could be the best time. Fear has held me in place more than once in my life, and I am listening to the fear now, but now I can listen and let it wash away. I can leave work whenever I want. It would be foolish to jump now. I would like a little more of a plan. I can study massage on weekends, just like yoga. Now, instead of being fearful I'm excited to be open to what may come next.
April 13, 2008
Guest house
A sweet reminder by the exquisite Sufi poet, Rumi.
This being human is a guest house
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
This being human is a guest house
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
March 24, 2008
Mexico
The week in Mexico was indescribable. Lovely doesn't do it justice, nor does peaceful. It was such a gift to truly disconnect for a week in paradise. No phones, televisions, internet, outside world. Just a bunch of people on a yoga retreat, so they're all mellow and happy. We slept hard, ate well, and relaxed like I've never done before.
Maya Tulum is on the beach along the Mayan Riviera. Paul and I had a palapa about a hundred feet off the beach. I could peek out the glass door to see if the sunrise was happening and be on the beach in a matter of seconds. The dining hall was a large palapa and the food healthy buffet style, mostly vegetarian with some fish. After dinner, we'd walk on the moonlit beach and take up residence in a beach chair to watch the stars and clouds and enjoy the salty air.
In regular life, I try to squeeze in a yoga class or home practice around the rest of my day. In Tulum, the practice was the core of my day, and everything else planned around yoga. That alone was spectactular. We had a two hour practice in the morning and another two hours in the evening. Somehow, it seemed like it could have been more. I loved the morning practice in the high ceilinged round palapa that received the soft morning light and the sweet morning humidity.
The most planning we did all week was figuring how to fit bodywork in amongst the classes, tours, and our own desire to relax. We went all-out and had a bunch of massage. We did a Temezcal, a traditional Mayan/Aztec healing ritual that is supposed to be a spiritual purification steambath. It was two hours in the dark with ten people in a small brick dome sweating, chanting, having herbs and water thrown onto fiery volcanic rocks and if it wasn't spiritual for all involved, it was at a minimum deeply purifying because we sweat for hours. It was conducted by a Temezcalero, a Spiritual Healer in the Aztec tradition, who learned this medicine from his grandfather. His name was Fabian, and I think he was a wonderful healer. I received two absolutely amazing massages from him, complete with incantations in a language other than English, deep belly work, and pretty dead-on spiritual diagnoses (when notes were compared with another yogi, we did not receive the same pronouncements, she received something totally different, so it wasn't total hoo-ha.)
We rented bikes one day and rode to a cenote (a fresh water sink hole, very deep and clear) and swam there before riding in the other direction to check out the Tulum Ruins, which sit atop the ocean. We took a boat trip far from shore and snorkeled along a reef (it was dying, so the fish weren't that great, but it was still wonderful.) We went to the Sian Ka'an Biopshere and the highlight there was floating down the fresh water canals carved by the Mayans. We swam in the turquoise beaches, and played frisbee on the beach.
My shoulders are sitting lower than they have in a while. I feel deeply relaxed. None of us wanted to get on the shuttle to the Cancun airport. But we are back, and I hope to take some of the inner stillness into the world this week.
Maya Tulum is on the beach along the Mayan Riviera. Paul and I had a palapa about a hundred feet off the beach. I could peek out the glass door to see if the sunrise was happening and be on the beach in a matter of seconds. The dining hall was a large palapa and the food healthy buffet style, mostly vegetarian with some fish. After dinner, we'd walk on the moonlit beach and take up residence in a beach chair to watch the stars and clouds and enjoy the salty air.
In regular life, I try to squeeze in a yoga class or home practice around the rest of my day. In Tulum, the practice was the core of my day, and everything else planned around yoga. That alone was spectactular. We had a two hour practice in the morning and another two hours in the evening. Somehow, it seemed like it could have been more. I loved the morning practice in the high ceilinged round palapa that received the soft morning light and the sweet morning humidity.
The most planning we did all week was figuring how to fit bodywork in amongst the classes, tours, and our own desire to relax. We went all-out and had a bunch of massage. We did a Temezcal, a traditional Mayan/Aztec healing ritual that is supposed to be a spiritual purification steambath. It was two hours in the dark with ten people in a small brick dome sweating, chanting, having herbs and water thrown onto fiery volcanic rocks and if it wasn't spiritual for all involved, it was at a minimum deeply purifying because we sweat for hours. It was conducted by a Temezcalero, a Spiritual Healer in the Aztec tradition, who learned this medicine from his grandfather. His name was Fabian, and I think he was a wonderful healer. I received two absolutely amazing massages from him, complete with incantations in a language other than English, deep belly work, and pretty dead-on spiritual diagnoses (when notes were compared with another yogi, we did not receive the same pronouncements, she received something totally different, so it wasn't total hoo-ha.)
We rented bikes one day and rode to a cenote (a fresh water sink hole, very deep and clear) and swam there before riding in the other direction to check out the Tulum Ruins, which sit atop the ocean. We took a boat trip far from shore and snorkeled along a reef (it was dying, so the fish weren't that great, but it was still wonderful.) We went to the Sian Ka'an Biopshere and the highlight there was floating down the fresh water canals carved by the Mayans. We swam in the turquoise beaches, and played frisbee on the beach.
My shoulders are sitting lower than they have in a while. I feel deeply relaxed. None of us wanted to get on the shuttle to the Cancun airport. But we are back, and I hope to take some of the inner stillness into the world this week.
March 11, 2008
more thoughts on gifts
Denying a gift based on pride,
is turning away from the intention of generosity.
a gift does not always come with strings
unless they are the wrappings of love.
is turning away from the intention of generosity.
a gift does not always come with strings
unless they are the wrappings of love.
March 10, 2008
Life is a Gift
Life is a gift.
If you only had one year left to live, how would you live it?
What is your gift you have to offer?
Are you living your gift, your life, now?
Why not? Do you not know your gifts?
Or are you afraid? Afraid those gifts aren't enough to sustain you?
Is the gift of life worth where you place your life energy now?
If you only had one year to live, where would you place your life energy?
We al have gifts to offer. It takes courage to identify them and then
even more so to move through the world with your offering on display.
If you only had one year left to live, how would you live it?
What is your gift you have to offer?
Are you living your gift, your life, now?
Why not? Do you not know your gifts?
Or are you afraid? Afraid those gifts aren't enough to sustain you?
Is the gift of life worth where you place your life energy now?
If you only had one year to live, where would you place your life energy?
We al have gifts to offer. It takes courage to identify them and then
even more so to move through the world with your offering on display.
February 29, 2008
Well, I won't be needing THAT book!
I didn't go to Argentina.
I'm sitting at home enjoying my morning coffee as I write this. I'm unclear on exactly what happened, but a clusterfuck of politics and lack of communication and ego collided over last weekend, and my going was up in the air. I was scheduled to leave at 11am Monday. I learned at 2pm Sunday that I wasn't going.
I was initially livid. Then, after I roped in my boss and his boss, intelligent conversations were able to happen and I was able to let it go. The end result is that our job titles have changed to better reflect what our position truly does, and a few other things that could improve future situations.
It's been a slow week at work, since I'd cleared the deck to not be there. Tuesday morning Splat the Cat woke me up ridiculously early and I used the opportunity to go to Kirkwood for the day. P and I had an awesome day of riding. So, so, so, so glad we went! I had a high speed crash from which I'm whiplashed and sore, but ultimately fine; I'd been cautious of just such a crash at speed, so in a sense, it was a relief to finally experience what I'd feared. Funny how that goes, isn't it? Fearing something. Avoidance. the Reality never being quite what it's made out to be in one's head. There's some kind of life metaphor in there, but I've not had enough coffee yet to really suss it out.
My yoga practice has been a lot more solid this year, and I'm really seeing the results in my snowboarding. These past few trips, there's been a shift in how it feels to my body. More core strength means, among other things, the ability to very often save one's self from wiping out, or carving through the trees with more ease.
Anyway, I'm still going to read the Non Violent Communications book. It looks to be useful. There's a large and subtle internal shift taking place, that something like this can only contribute positively. I feel like I'm being fed slowly, able to chew on bits as the brain feels relevant.
And as for external changes, in a few days I'm cutting my hair off and donating it to Locks of Love.
I'm sitting at home enjoying my morning coffee as I write this. I'm unclear on exactly what happened, but a clusterfuck of politics and lack of communication and ego collided over last weekend, and my going was up in the air. I was scheduled to leave at 11am Monday. I learned at 2pm Sunday that I wasn't going.
I was initially livid. Then, after I roped in my boss and his boss, intelligent conversations were able to happen and I was able to let it go. The end result is that our job titles have changed to better reflect what our position truly does, and a few other things that could improve future situations.
It's been a slow week at work, since I'd cleared the deck to not be there. Tuesday morning Splat the Cat woke me up ridiculously early and I used the opportunity to go to Kirkwood for the day. P and I had an awesome day of riding. So, so, so, so glad we went! I had a high speed crash from which I'm whiplashed and sore, but ultimately fine; I'd been cautious of just such a crash at speed, so in a sense, it was a relief to finally experience what I'd feared. Funny how that goes, isn't it? Fearing something. Avoidance. the Reality never being quite what it's made out to be in one's head. There's some kind of life metaphor in there, but I've not had enough coffee yet to really suss it out.
My yoga practice has been a lot more solid this year, and I'm really seeing the results in my snowboarding. These past few trips, there's been a shift in how it feels to my body. More core strength means, among other things, the ability to very often save one's self from wiping out, or carving through the trees with more ease.
Anyway, I'm still going to read the Non Violent Communications book. It looks to be useful. There's a large and subtle internal shift taking place, that something like this can only contribute positively. I feel like I'm being fed slowly, able to chew on bits as the brain feels relevant.
And as for external changes, in a few days I'm cutting my hair off and donating it to Locks of Love.
February 21, 2008
Required Reading
A while back, at the suggestion of Becky The Amazing, I purchased the book "Nonviolent Communication".
Last night, I pulled the book out and set it with my passport. The book has now been elevated to Plane Reading status, not because it's the perfect read on an upcoming 10 hour flight, it's because I am struggling to keep my zen on when it comes to one particularly challenging person at work, one whom is traveling to Argentina with me. My calm, my attempts at mindfulness fly out the window when required to exchange more than two sentences with this individual.
I have a feeling that being thousands of miles away from the office might be the opportunity to let this person know how they treat others is not okay. I want to be able to hold back and not rip him a new one, so perhaps this book will guide me into telling him he behaves like a manipulative two-faced napoleon in a graceful manner.
Last night, I pulled the book out and set it with my passport. The book has now been elevated to Plane Reading status, not because it's the perfect read on an upcoming 10 hour flight, it's because I am struggling to keep my zen on when it comes to one particularly challenging person at work, one whom is traveling to Argentina with me. My calm, my attempts at mindfulness fly out the window when required to exchange more than two sentences with this individual.
I have a feeling that being thousands of miles away from the office might be the opportunity to let this person know how they treat others is not okay. I want to be able to hold back and not rip him a new one, so perhaps this book will guide me into telling him he behaves like a manipulative two-faced napoleon in a graceful manner.
February 19, 2008
All Agency Email
Dear Fridge Thief,
While I can appreciate it being a new year and you might have resolutions of eating healthier, how about doing it on your own dime? Sure, it sucks to eat a salad when you forgot dressing. It sucks even more when you buy a bottle of salad dressing and it "evaporates" faster than the salads I eat for lunch. Today, my salad enjoys no "goddess" dressing.
Yes, everyone knows Trader Joe's "Goddess" dressing rocks. Apparently, you do, too. Here's a tip, though: for two bucks you can go get your own bottle at TJ's.
But lucky for you, I've been spitting in the bottle as a way to top it off....hope you don't mind sharing, in the truest sense of the word.
In health,
Jen
While I can appreciate it being a new year and you might have resolutions of eating healthier, how about doing it on your own dime? Sure, it sucks to eat a salad when you forgot dressing. It sucks even more when you buy a bottle of salad dressing and it "evaporates" faster than the salads I eat for lunch. Today, my salad enjoys no "goddess" dressing.
Yes, everyone knows Trader Joe's "Goddess" dressing rocks. Apparently, you do, too. Here's a tip, though: for two bucks you can go get your own bottle at TJ's.
But lucky for you, I've been spitting in the bottle as a way to top it off....hope you don't mind sharing, in the truest sense of the word.
In health,
Jen
February 18, 2008
a priveliged life
honestly, sometimes one needs little reminder of having a priveliged life.
friday, i had a unbelievable day at kirkwood. blue skies, warm, and possibly the best day of riding i've ever had. a couple guinness at lunch, brought from home. nice to be able to steal a day from work and give it to fun.
i have been accepted to the yoga immersion program at yoga kula. in april, i will begin deepening my studies and understandings of yoga, in the anusara style. i feel blessed for finding this program and being able to afford it.
a week from today, i leave for argentina for a photo shoot. it's not really been something i've been getting excited about, because it's for work. now i'm getting a bit excited, because it's still travel. even though it will be the polar opposite of my travels last year. traveling for work means the luxury of business class and the four seasons hotel in buenos aires. i will admit that i'm not entirely comfortable with the level of excess, but i am grateful for the chance to travel more. i am hoping to take a yoga class in spanish!
a week after getting back from argentina, i leave for a yoga retreat in tulum, mexico. it will be the perfect antidote to a long production, a busy few months of work.
all of that is extravagant when compared to simple things like hot showers and drinkable water. i've been having dreams of nepal again. each day, i look at the beautiful thangka painting from pokhara, and it serves as a daily reminder of the amazing trip.
February 1, 2008
exhausted.
i can't recall being this exhausted in a long time. i am waking up tired. work is all-consuming right now and it's taking it's toll.
January 29, 2008
January 27, 2008
don't raid your dreams to do laundry.
the intention has been set.
i'm planning to go to india in 2009. the jar that collects pocket change has been infused with more meaning than collecting loose change. it's the beginning of savings for india. each time i drop loose change in the jar, i pause, thinking of my wish to visit india in the year of my 40th birthday. each time change is dropped in, the goal is microscopically closer. so much of life is about cultivating intention, and the intention steers the desire, the outcome.
so, no more turning the change jar upside down combing for quarters each time we do laundry. these quarters now have a more important purpose: funding a trip back to nepal, and to visit india for the first time. in looking at the dalai lama's website, i noticed he's doing his spring teachings in dharmsala in march of 2009. if the goal is to repeat the annapurna circuit again, this time with paul, then that timing works nicely when the circuit is in it's spring peak season before the monsoon.
india is such a vast land, so many places i'd love to see. time and money will, of course, dictate how long this 40th birthday adventure will be. however long, i know that these small tokens placed in the jar have a level of importance that is new.
i'm planning to go to india in 2009. the jar that collects pocket change has been infused with more meaning than collecting loose change. it's the beginning of savings for india. each time i drop loose change in the jar, i pause, thinking of my wish to visit india in the year of my 40th birthday. each time change is dropped in, the goal is microscopically closer. so much of life is about cultivating intention, and the intention steers the desire, the outcome.
so, no more turning the change jar upside down combing for quarters each time we do laundry. these quarters now have a more important purpose: funding a trip back to nepal, and to visit india for the first time. in looking at the dalai lama's website, i noticed he's doing his spring teachings in dharmsala in march of 2009. if the goal is to repeat the annapurna circuit again, this time with paul, then that timing works nicely when the circuit is in it's spring peak season before the monsoon.
india is such a vast land, so many places i'd love to see. time and money will, of course, dictate how long this 40th birthday adventure will be. however long, i know that these small tokens placed in the jar have a level of importance that is new.
January 24, 2008
emasculated!
yesterday, in the midst of a particularly chaotic day at work, an art director said something that cracked me up. an account person and i were talking to him about adjusting concepts to fit within a very meager budget, he said "you're trying to neuter my big idea." in all seriousness. it was one of those statements that gets filed away under "silly things people say in ad land".
January 17, 2008
Inhale. Exhale. Wait.
Fingers crossed.
The application was mailed today.
Now, I wait.
I feel a yes, only because I want it so.
It is the first step into opening
into a new path, but not really
it's more like going deeper
into the path i've been on
...the unknown.
(nothing is really known.)
The application was mailed today.
Now, I wait.
I feel a yes, only because I want it so.
It is the first step into opening
into a new path, but not really
it's more like going deeper
into the path i've been on
...the unknown.
(nothing is really known.)
January 16, 2008
buying a clear conscience
purchasing carbon offsets is like selling papal indulgences. you can't buy absolution with sinner's money. it's a nice idea, though.
January 14, 2008
January 1, 2008
That 2007 Recap Crap!
I know I've dubbed it cheesy, this end of the year wrap-up. Having just looked a two previous years of recaps, I admit it's fun to see what I wrote back then. So, I bring you (or, honestly, it's more for my feeble memory) the bright spots and bummers of 2007.
Ups:
Being blessed with the opportunity to experience Nepal. I bring so much gratitude forth into each day because of that trip.
Luna continues to bring a lotta love in my life and her health has stabilized.
Splat The Cat joined the household....never met a wackier, lovier, retarded cat. Splat and Hippo are total buds.
Backpacked the Grand Canyon of the Tuloumne.
Got in a good amount of snowboarding and finally felt like I wasn't a flailing hack.
Traveled back east to see family and attend my 20th High School Reunion.
More good inkin' from Marcus.
Got a staff job at a place where everyone is really cool, even though the place itself is a little nutty.
Continue to really like renting and living on Lake Merritt.
Huge gratitude for sharing life with Mr. Super Zen.
Downs:
Didn't ride much, and barely rode my new custom Rex bike.
Bailed, due to allergies, on the one century I attempted.
Not nearly enough camping trips!
Got a staff job, which means I have much less freedom to take time off.
Some good friendships no longer were good.
Got wrong info and missed out on 6 months of my 401k!
My grandfather dying two weeks before I went back east to see him.
Meditation? What's that?
Ups:
Being blessed with the opportunity to experience Nepal. I bring so much gratitude forth into each day because of that trip.
Luna continues to bring a lotta love in my life and her health has stabilized.
Splat The Cat joined the household....never met a wackier, lovier, retarded cat. Splat and Hippo are total buds.
Backpacked the Grand Canyon of the Tuloumne.
Got in a good amount of snowboarding and finally felt like I wasn't a flailing hack.
Traveled back east to see family and attend my 20th High School Reunion.
More good inkin' from Marcus.
Got a staff job at a place where everyone is really cool, even though the place itself is a little nutty.
Continue to really like renting and living on Lake Merritt.
Huge gratitude for sharing life with Mr. Super Zen.
Downs:
Didn't ride much, and barely rode my new custom Rex bike.
Bailed, due to allergies, on the one century I attempted.
Not nearly enough camping trips!
Got a staff job, which means I have much less freedom to take time off.
Some good friendships no longer were good.
Got wrong info and missed out on 6 months of my 401k!
My grandfather dying two weeks before I went back east to see him.
Meditation? What's that?
Exhale...
Once the holiday frenzy passed this week, there was a calming that seemed to have happened. Nothing hugely dramatic, but people seemed a little less frantic out there. It was welcome. It was sweet while it lasted. Tomorrow the frenzy resumes, work resumes, traffic resumes, and if I can hope that we take anything into the new year, it's a small glimmer of remembering this past week when things were just a little less harried and people seemed to move at less than warp speed.
Happy 2008! As a cashier at Trader Joe's said: "2008! It's gonna be great!"
That has become the mantra. It sounds fun. Sounds true. Sounds hopeful.
I haven't committed to writing down resolutions since 2005 but have begun a loose list this year, always trying to keep it to 10 things. Among this year's plans are to begin a yoga teacher training program, recommit to a regular sitting practice, and to clean up my diet. The post-Nepal sugar bender left itself behind in 2007.
I've done 3+ hours of yoga in the past two days and I feel much, much better for having done so.
Happy 2008! As a cashier at Trader Joe's said: "2008! It's gonna be great!"
That has become the mantra. It sounds fun. Sounds true. Sounds hopeful.
I haven't committed to writing down resolutions since 2005 but have begun a loose list this year, always trying to keep it to 10 things. Among this year's plans are to begin a yoga teacher training program, recommit to a regular sitting practice, and to clean up my diet. The post-Nepal sugar bender left itself behind in 2007.
I've done 3+ hours of yoga in the past two days and I feel much, much better for having done so.
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