December 11, 2007
Travel is Travel...
Words cannot begin to describe my experiences in Nepal. It was amazing. Incredible. Awesome. And yet, all those words don't do it justice, because the pendulum swung in all directions, so many emotions experienced. My world was made bigger. Life lessons came to light. I know I can do anything. Fear is bad. I wound up traveling alone, learning the hard way who my friends really are, and it was magical to be granted that buried treasure. Travel is travel, indeed.
September 27, 2007
So close.
Tomorrow's my last day of work before I leave on Monday. Wow. It still seems so unreal. This pack I've been loading and unloading, these guidebooks I've been reading, the thinking, it all has been busywork. It won't be for real until I'm off that plane in Bangkok and the adventure starts.
I can't wait. I feel incredibly lucky. My head will be pried open a thousand ways. Life will be shaken to its core. I'll be clear on the other side of the planet.
I can't wait. I feel incredibly lucky. My head will be pried open a thousand ways. Life will be shaken to its core. I'll be clear on the other side of the planet.
September 21, 2007
Already...
Today is the Autumnal Equinox. The first day of fall.
Here in the Bay Area, we've seen an unseasonably early touch of rain, a wave of cold. Two inches of snow fell in the Sierras. May this not be a fluke but rather a prediction of an early and hard long winter filled with an abundance of fresh powder. For two months now, I've had the snowboarding jones.
I leave in nine days. I have finally finished the oral typhoid vaccine pills. They gave me vertigo and conflicted with my morning coffee.
Here in the Bay Area, we've seen an unseasonably early touch of rain, a wave of cold. Two inches of snow fell in the Sierras. May this not be a fluke but rather a prediction of an early and hard long winter filled with an abundance of fresh powder. For two months now, I've had the snowboarding jones.
I leave in nine days. I have finally finished the oral typhoid vaccine pills. They gave me vertigo and conflicted with my morning coffee.
September 15, 2007
Saturday slips away....
Saturday flew by in a flurry of errands. I had planned to go to yoga at 8am. I don't use an alarm clock and by sleeping until 7:45, yoga was not to happen. Bummer about that, as I love Barbara and her class, and was hoping to make a few more of her classes before I leave.
I did have a massively productive day, taking advantage of the fact that P was out of town. I had a scrawly list, and knocked the following off said list:
met Luna's dad at Pet Club and we gave the dirty girl a bath. She's fluffy clean now!
berkeley farmer's market for this week's fruit and veggies
went to thrift store for cheap backpack for flight to Thailand (plan to pass it on and not take it on the trek. just need it to hold reading material, snacks and stuff for the flight)
got a hair cut
got a pedicure --way girlie pink toes!
went to travel store for eyemask, TSA-approved lock, etc.
bought the books i'm going to read on the plane (Three Cups of Tea, and Against The Stream)
went to Elephant Pharmacy for more chick supplies
got new batteries for Steripen and headlamp
Safeway for snack sized ziplock bags
got my wad of cash for the trip
made a pot of lentils
filled up the trial size containers with stuff i'm taking
un-packed, re-assessed, and put things into stuff sacks in a sensible order
forgot: to buy cat food for while i'm gone (duh!)
still to do: REI pro-deal pick-up and get cable lock then
decide what clothes i'm bringing.
i'm trying to keep the clothes to: one down jacket, thermal leggings, 2 pairs of pants (one on me at all times, well most of the time.) spare bra, two long sleeve shirst, one fleece top, three pairs of socks, thee pairs of underwear. maybe one t-shirt? but that's it for 7 weeks. i'll buy a skirt, hat and gloves, and trekking poles in Kathmandu.
i feel like i'm bringing a crapload of stuff, a lot just to take good care of jen. enough ibuprofin, electrolytes, moisturizer, first aid stuff and stuff to care for my feet. my seekrit stash has two chocolate bars. i know those will be gold to me at some point. i'm bringing 30 postcards of the Golden Gate Bridge to give out along the trail; I read in the guidebooks that people appreciate small gifts when appropriate. I feel like I'm bringing a fair amount of electronics/camera stuff, which is laughable compared to what Michelle will end up bringing. She's a pro, I'm a wanna-be.
and now I want to go cuddle my clean dog, since she's with me for the weekend. I'm going to miss Luna a bunch while I'm gone. (I hope she stays healthy. That's a request to the universe, please...)
now I'm going to clean up around here and continue sorting. how do i always find so much to do?
I did have a massively productive day, taking advantage of the fact that P was out of town. I had a scrawly list, and knocked the following off said list:
met Luna's dad at Pet Club and we gave the dirty girl a bath. She's fluffy clean now!
berkeley farmer's market for this week's fruit and veggies
went to thrift store for cheap backpack for flight to Thailand (plan to pass it on and not take it on the trek. just need it to hold reading material, snacks and stuff for the flight)
got a hair cut
got a pedicure --way girlie pink toes!
went to travel store for eyemask, TSA-approved lock, etc.
bought the books i'm going to read on the plane (Three Cups of Tea, and Against The Stream)
went to Elephant Pharmacy for more chick supplies
got new batteries for Steripen and headlamp
Safeway for snack sized ziplock bags
got my wad of cash for the trip
made a pot of lentils
filled up the trial size containers with stuff i'm taking
un-packed, re-assessed, and put things into stuff sacks in a sensible order
forgot: to buy cat food for while i'm gone (duh!)
still to do: REI pro-deal pick-up and get cable lock then
decide what clothes i'm bringing.
i'm trying to keep the clothes to: one down jacket, thermal leggings, 2 pairs of pants (one on me at all times, well most of the time.) spare bra, two long sleeve shirst, one fleece top, three pairs of socks, thee pairs of underwear. maybe one t-shirt? but that's it for 7 weeks. i'll buy a skirt, hat and gloves, and trekking poles in Kathmandu.
i feel like i'm bringing a crapload of stuff, a lot just to take good care of jen. enough ibuprofin, electrolytes, moisturizer, first aid stuff and stuff to care for my feet. my seekrit stash has two chocolate bars. i know those will be gold to me at some point. i'm bringing 30 postcards of the Golden Gate Bridge to give out along the trail; I read in the guidebooks that people appreciate small gifts when appropriate. I feel like I'm bringing a fair amount of electronics/camera stuff, which is laughable compared to what Michelle will end up bringing. She's a pro, I'm a wanna-be.
and now I want to go cuddle my clean dog, since she's with me for the weekend. I'm going to miss Luna a bunch while I'm gone. (I hope she stays healthy. That's a request to the universe, please...)
now I'm going to clean up around here and continue sorting. how do i always find so much to do?
September 13, 2007
It's Thursday
A very scattered, random update from a sleepy girl who's squinting because she doesn't have her glasses on...
A blind couple has been coming to the past couple spin classes I teach. I love this! I give them so much credit, and admire the heck out of them. They bought cycling shoes and have jumped right in. It makes me teach differently, being very explicit in my instructions and calling things out with more warning. But I'm thrilled they're coming to class.
Paul, the lucky bastard, left for a backpacking trip with the guys. I'm super envious, mostly because with this staff job picking up for long weekends here and there is not an option. I also miss starry nights in chilly night skies. I hope he has fun!
Meanwhile, someone in our building stole our plastic laundry basket from the laundry room. WTF? Our laundry room is up three flights of stairs by the roof, unlike most buildings where laundry is in the basement. So I really need that laundry basket. I left a note, but suspect no one will return it. Because if you're lame enough to "borrow" or steal someone's laundry basket, are you really planning to return it?
Oh, and I finally got that friggin' lip stud removed and replaced with the hoop I'd wanted. I like it! Todd did a great placing on the piercing and got it exactly how I wanted it. I've got a little scar tissue on the inside of my lip from the stud's post being long and slamming around, but I'm slowly dissolving it by putting aspirin crushed into a paste onto the scar tissue each night; crazy, but it dissolves the tissue. You imagine what that feels like, okay?
My trip is just over two weeks away. After tomorrow, I have exactly two weeks of work. Thankfully I'm not very busy right now. There's one large project looming, but it's going to be someone else's work soon enough. It's sort of unbelievable that I will leave and return right before Thanksgiving. I'm back three days, and then we fly to Chicago to spend Thanksgiving with Paul's large family. No doubt I'll be culture-shocked.
I have gotten both my Nepalese and Indian visas, all my travel vaccinations, restocked my first aid kit, and gotten travel meds. I've given up on breaking in a new pair of boots. I'll go with my old ones, even though their tread is very nearly gone. At least they won't shred my feet. I have a new backpack, and have done a hike to get it dialed in. Hopefully more hiking in the next couple weeks will happen, too. I have to admit I'm at the worst level of physical fitness in a couple years. Working so much, living with someone I love who is an amazing cook and shares a sweet tooth-chocolate habit, all contribute to this.
Such is life. I had plans to be in mega-great shape, but plans don't always go as planned, do they?
Speaking of plans, at this point I'm going to go to India with Michelle. Although I'm considering spending a couple days at the Kopan Monastery north of Kathmandu, and then perhaps flying down to Varanasi and meeting her there. I also have an interest in going to Dharamsala, and she does not. Perhaps I'll go there on my own while Michelle goes on to Delhi to the Irish consulate; she's got to meet them about showing her work there, which is awesome. She wants to rejuvenate in Rishikesh, which sounds pretty great to me, so maybe we can meet up there after she goes to Delhi. Who knows? We have no set dates or reservations anywhere. I am not so keen on spending days upon days riding trains in India. I'd rather fly, and get to experience a place more deeply than to meditate past the "joys" of train travel. Like I said, who knows? I'm speculating at this point, and reality will be whatever it becomes.
I'm excited. Scared. Hopeful. This trip is going to be one of the biggest things I've done. Bigger, in some ways, than moving to Yosemite three years back.
I've started a blog for my friends to read about my trip. I'll post there from the road, so that people can be kept updated about my adventure. Drop me an email if you want to get the URL. If I like you, I'll tell you about it. It's entirely separate from this one, and you stalkery types can't just get there from here.
A blind couple has been coming to the past couple spin classes I teach. I love this! I give them so much credit, and admire the heck out of them. They bought cycling shoes and have jumped right in. It makes me teach differently, being very explicit in my instructions and calling things out with more warning. But I'm thrilled they're coming to class.
Paul, the lucky bastard, left for a backpacking trip with the guys. I'm super envious, mostly because with this staff job picking up for long weekends here and there is not an option. I also miss starry nights in chilly night skies. I hope he has fun!
Meanwhile, someone in our building stole our plastic laundry basket from the laundry room. WTF? Our laundry room is up three flights of stairs by the roof, unlike most buildings where laundry is in the basement. So I really need that laundry basket. I left a note, but suspect no one will return it. Because if you're lame enough to "borrow" or steal someone's laundry basket, are you really planning to return it?
Oh, and I finally got that friggin' lip stud removed and replaced with the hoop I'd wanted. I like it! Todd did a great placing on the piercing and got it exactly how I wanted it. I've got a little scar tissue on the inside of my lip from the stud's post being long and slamming around, but I'm slowly dissolving it by putting aspirin crushed into a paste onto the scar tissue each night; crazy, but it dissolves the tissue. You imagine what that feels like, okay?
My trip is just over two weeks away. After tomorrow, I have exactly two weeks of work. Thankfully I'm not very busy right now. There's one large project looming, but it's going to be someone else's work soon enough. It's sort of unbelievable that I will leave and return right before Thanksgiving. I'm back three days, and then we fly to Chicago to spend Thanksgiving with Paul's large family. No doubt I'll be culture-shocked.
I have gotten both my Nepalese and Indian visas, all my travel vaccinations, restocked my first aid kit, and gotten travel meds. I've given up on breaking in a new pair of boots. I'll go with my old ones, even though their tread is very nearly gone. At least they won't shred my feet. I have a new backpack, and have done a hike to get it dialed in. Hopefully more hiking in the next couple weeks will happen, too. I have to admit I'm at the worst level of physical fitness in a couple years. Working so much, living with someone I love who is an amazing cook and shares a sweet tooth-chocolate habit, all contribute to this.
Such is life. I had plans to be in mega-great shape, but plans don't always go as planned, do they?
Speaking of plans, at this point I'm going to go to India with Michelle. Although I'm considering spending a couple days at the Kopan Monastery north of Kathmandu, and then perhaps flying down to Varanasi and meeting her there. I also have an interest in going to Dharamsala, and she does not. Perhaps I'll go there on my own while Michelle goes on to Delhi to the Irish consulate; she's got to meet them about showing her work there, which is awesome. She wants to rejuvenate in Rishikesh, which sounds pretty great to me, so maybe we can meet up there after she goes to Delhi. Who knows? We have no set dates or reservations anywhere. I am not so keen on spending days upon days riding trains in India. I'd rather fly, and get to experience a place more deeply than to meditate past the "joys" of train travel. Like I said, who knows? I'm speculating at this point, and reality will be whatever it becomes.
I'm excited. Scared. Hopeful. This trip is going to be one of the biggest things I've done. Bigger, in some ways, than moving to Yosemite three years back.
I've started a blog for my friends to read about my trip. I'll post there from the road, so that people can be kept updated about my adventure. Drop me an email if you want to get the URL. If I like you, I'll tell you about it. It's entirely separate from this one, and you stalkery types can't just get there from here.
September 2, 2007
An understanding.
In four weeks, I leave on my trip. The bombings that occured today are an all-too-real reminder that I'm leaving the "secure" and the familiar.
Michelle and I talked and agreed we didn't want to spend unncessary time in Kathmandu. We're probably safe on the Annapurna Circuit. Crowds, public transit, urban streets all may not be the safest places leading up to Nepal's upcoming elections on November 22nd.
Michelle has elected to go to India instead of Tibet after we do the Circuit. She needs to go to the Irish Embassy in Delhi to meet with them about having a photo show at the Embassy of her Himalaya photographs. She'll be going to Agra, and perhaps Varanasi. I'll get my Indian visa for the possibility of joining her, but will not be making any decisions, rather leaving open the possibility for staying in Nepal.
Given the political climate in Nepal, it could be safer to boogie down to India. India will be overwhelming, more intense than Nepal. We'll see.
I have been looking at September in a way that may seem morbid. I am making the effort to get together with people. I have this deep seated understanding that with this kind of travel the chance exists, however small, that I may not return. I could die. I don't want to, but I am at peace with the remote possibility. I say that undramatically. I am going to be smart, but I'm also a believer in living the life you want, and if you expire living fully, that sucks, but it sure beats living safely by the dim glow of your widescreen television.
Michelle and I talked and agreed we didn't want to spend unncessary time in Kathmandu. We're probably safe on the Annapurna Circuit. Crowds, public transit, urban streets all may not be the safest places leading up to Nepal's upcoming elections on November 22nd.
Michelle has elected to go to India instead of Tibet after we do the Circuit. She needs to go to the Irish Embassy in Delhi to meet with them about having a photo show at the Embassy of her Himalaya photographs. She'll be going to Agra, and perhaps Varanasi. I'll get my Indian visa for the possibility of joining her, but will not be making any decisions, rather leaving open the possibility for staying in Nepal.
Given the political climate in Nepal, it could be safer to boogie down to India. India will be overwhelming, more intense than Nepal. We'll see.
I have been looking at September in a way that may seem morbid. I am making the effort to get together with people. I have this deep seated understanding that with this kind of travel the chance exists, however small, that I may not return. I could die. I don't want to, but I am at peace with the remote possibility. I say that undramatically. I am going to be smart, but I'm also a believer in living the life you want, and if you expire living fully, that sucks, but it sure beats living safely by the dim glow of your widescreen television.
Four. Days. Off.
Four days off over labor day weekend seems downright decadent. Like a mini-vacation. Such is the thinking of a staffer. Grateful for several days off, because I can't just take as much time off as I'd like because I only get so much vacation time a year. Sillyness!
I want to go on the annual women's yoga retreat at the end of the month. It would involve taking two days off. No big deal, right? Except I'd be taking two days off right before my much-planned seven week leave of absence from work, and I don't think they'd take too kindly to me extending it, since it was a bit of sticking point to get everyone to agree to hire me and let me leave two months later. So I ponder, do I push the issue? It would also involve returning home from the retreat fifteen hours before I must be at the airport.
Anyway, I'm enjoying the time now. Friday P needed to borrow my car before the Bay Bridge closure, so I did many Nepal related errands on my beater bike. The Bank. REI. Walgreen's. AAA (they don't sell traveller's cheques anymore? who knew?). Good Vibes. Industrial Strength. The bank again, this time for traveller's cheques. Fun doing errands on the bike!
Been very sluggy these past two days. More errands today: REI again (exchanged the heel-ripping boots), Bed-Bath-Beyond (who knew knives were so expensive?) and other puttery things.
And after all this, I still have tomorrow off! Amazing!
Work is soooooooo overrated.
I want to go on the annual women's yoga retreat at the end of the month. It would involve taking two days off. No big deal, right? Except I'd be taking two days off right before my much-planned seven week leave of absence from work, and I don't think they'd take too kindly to me extending it, since it was a bit of sticking point to get everyone to agree to hire me and let me leave two months later. So I ponder, do I push the issue? It would also involve returning home from the retreat fifteen hours before I must be at the airport.
Anyway, I'm enjoying the time now. Friday P needed to borrow my car before the Bay Bridge closure, so I did many Nepal related errands on my beater bike. The Bank. REI. Walgreen's. AAA (they don't sell traveller's cheques anymore? who knew?). Good Vibes. Industrial Strength. The bank again, this time for traveller's cheques. Fun doing errands on the bike!
Been very sluggy these past two days. More errands today: REI again (exchanged the heel-ripping boots), Bed-Bath-Beyond (who knew knives were so expensive?) and other puttery things.
And after all this, I still have tomorrow off! Amazing!
Work is soooooooo overrated.
August 29, 2007
Needles
The three day needle-o-rama is over, thankfully. Sunday's needle-fun was finishing up the my chest piece tattoo. (It looked done to me, but Marcus found another hour's worth of perfection to ink into me. It looks even better now!) Monday was less needly fun, but necessary. I got Supartz shots in both knees in preparation for my upcoming trip. Arthritis sucks, and that's all I'll say about that. Yesterday was travel vaccine day: tetanus shot, polio booster, and Hep A vaccine. I nicely declined Rabies vaccines and Japanese Encephalitis (!?!). All set for India and Nepal now.
Speaking of needles, it occured to me that if Amy Winehouse hooked up with Pete Doherty we could watch a modern day Sid and Nancy implosion. You heard it here first. They're a match waiting to happen.
Speaking of needles, it occured to me that if Amy Winehouse hooked up with Pete Doherty we could watch a modern day Sid and Nancy implosion. You heard it here first. They're a match waiting to happen.
August 26, 2007
Five Weeks
Yep, I leave for Nepal in five weeks. It's starting to seem real. I get my shots this week. I have my Nepalese visa. I got my new pack, a Granite Gear. I also bought a new pair of hiking boots since mine are not up to the challenge.
This morning I decided to take said new pair of hiking boots for a break-in hike. Nothing too crazy, just a couple miles in Redwood Regional. New boots, new socks. (No first aid kit, either, see where this is going....?) I'm out there for a while and I'm feeling some burning on my heels that lets me know a blister is wanting to happen. I undo my shoes, rearrange my socks and hope for the best while heading off on another loop. (Note to self: this would have been a good time to head for the car!) I have my ipod and am hiking along. The friction is getting worse.
"Don't add suffering to your pain." This Buddhist inspired thought ran through my had. Scratch that, it became my friggin' mantra. The friction turned into fire. Just Breathe, Jen. Except that only works for so long. When the fire turned into a stabbing knife, I stopped and took my boots and socks off again. Well, that explains the pain, I thought. There was open, exposed raw skin about the size of two quarters on each foot. One still had a bit of protective skin flap on it, so it hurt less. The exposed one was the massive "sensation".
Did I mention I didn't have a first aid kit? Did I mention that I'm a Wilderness First Responder so I know how dumb it is to not have one? Right. I looked in my bag for something to help get me out of this mess. Score! I had a banana! I carefully wrapped strips of the banana peel around each heel. It was comfortingly cool. It also provided just enough buffer that I could get back to the car, maybe another mile or so. I took off, wincing, and moved (hobbly hiked?) as quickly as I could.
I am pleased at my resourcefulness in the face of my own stupidity.
These boots have some issues to work out if they're going to Nepal.
This morning I decided to take said new pair of hiking boots for a break-in hike. Nothing too crazy, just a couple miles in Redwood Regional. New boots, new socks. (No first aid kit, either, see where this is going....?) I'm out there for a while and I'm feeling some burning on my heels that lets me know a blister is wanting to happen. I undo my shoes, rearrange my socks and hope for the best while heading off on another loop. (Note to self: this would have been a good time to head for the car!) I have my ipod and am hiking along. The friction is getting worse.
"Don't add suffering to your pain." This Buddhist inspired thought ran through my had. Scratch that, it became my friggin' mantra. The friction turned into fire. Just Breathe, Jen. Except that only works for so long. When the fire turned into a stabbing knife, I stopped and took my boots and socks off again. Well, that explains the pain, I thought. There was open, exposed raw skin about the size of two quarters on each foot. One still had a bit of protective skin flap on it, so it hurt less. The exposed one was the massive "sensation".
Did I mention I didn't have a first aid kit? Did I mention that I'm a Wilderness First Responder so I know how dumb it is to not have one? Right. I looked in my bag for something to help get me out of this mess. Score! I had a banana! I carefully wrapped strips of the banana peel around each heel. It was comfortingly cool. It also provided just enough buffer that I could get back to the car, maybe another mile or so. I took off, wincing, and moved (hobbly hiked?) as quickly as I could.
I am pleased at my resourcefulness in the face of my own stupidity.
These boots have some issues to work out if they're going to Nepal.
August 4, 2007
Body Mod
I am sportin' two new body mods. One fairly temporary, one fairly permanent.
I spent my birthday on an airplane, making it kind of anti-birthday to someone like me. Birthdays are a big day in my book. August 1st commenced the start of staffdom. Bothing things were taken into consideration when I....pierced my lip! I've wanted to do it for years. After the swelling goes down and healing is progressing, I'll swap out this post for a snug little hoop that will sit prettily on my lower lip, right corner. It didn't even hurt! I am learning to talk and eat with this thing. Wee bit tricky.
Also got hennaed today. Darcy from the Henna Lounge was over at Namaste Yoga in Rockridge, so I called to get adorned. My birthday present to myself! Darcy is so sweet, and so talented. It was fun! Before Nepal, Darcy will henna my knees for their luck, and also do a belly henna for preggo Justine.
I figured with a staff gig, they can't do anything about it. I had to look a little more pro as a freelancer, not now! Paul's out of town, and the body mod bug has been biting. Also bought two boxes of semi-perm hair dye, so I can still have more fun!
I spent my birthday on an airplane, making it kind of anti-birthday to someone like me. Birthdays are a big day in my book. August 1st commenced the start of staffdom. Bothing things were taken into consideration when I....pierced my lip! I've wanted to do it for years. After the swelling goes down and healing is progressing, I'll swap out this post for a snug little hoop that will sit prettily on my lower lip, right corner. It didn't even hurt! I am learning to talk and eat with this thing. Wee bit tricky.
Also got hennaed today. Darcy from the Henna Lounge was over at Namaste Yoga in Rockridge, so I called to get adorned. My birthday present to myself! Darcy is so sweet, and so talented. It was fun! Before Nepal, Darcy will henna my knees for their luck, and also do a belly henna for preggo Justine.
I figured with a staff gig, they can't do anything about it. I had to look a little more pro as a freelancer, not now! Paul's out of town, and the body mod bug has been biting. Also bought two boxes of semi-perm hair dye, so I can still have more fun!
August 3, 2007
In a (visual) nutshell
Want to see photos from our backpacking trip of the Grand Canyon of the Tuolumne? Michelle, friend and professional shutterbabe, took these photos of our trip. Take a look.
August 1, 2007
July 20, 2007
hello!
nothing like being woken by an earthquake. a quake is like shoving a giant to-do list into one's head. for future "real" quake preparedness. then with bizzybrain, the immediate to-do list floods in. guess that put an end to my sleeping! why o why can't i be a deep sleeper like the person i share the bed with?
July 19, 2007
tease
i don't mean to tease, but very soon. i cannot jinx. news has to be rolled out carefully, in measured doses. small town, and all.
for those who have speculated: i'm neither pregnant nor getting married, though i'd saythere's equal probability of either happening.
i'm still not quite sure what to make of it all.
in other news: i leave for the east coast on saturday's red eye. one day with mom in NJ, then three days in NYC, a quick flight to Boston en route to Cape Cod, and there for two days. (I will be going to my 20th Class Reunion. Who woulda thunk it? I still wonder why I'm going.) Back to Boston to see P's sis, then on my birthday, we spend the day flying. Complete with a change of planes in...Texas. Wouldn't it only be right to join the mile high club on my birthday?
for those who have speculated: i'm neither pregnant nor getting married, though i'd saythere's equal probability of either happening.
i'm still not quite sure what to make of it all.
in other news: i leave for the east coast on saturday's red eye. one day with mom in NJ, then three days in NYC, a quick flight to Boston en route to Cape Cod, and there for two days. (I will be going to my 20th Class Reunion. Who woulda thunk it? I still wonder why I'm going.) Back to Boston to see P's sis, then on my birthday, we spend the day flying. Complete with a change of planes in...Texas. Wouldn't it only be right to join the mile high club on my birthday?
July 17, 2007
July 6, 2007
Yosemite: Part 1, The Valley
Hot morning heading out of town. Peet's stop, extra shot. Target in Livermore? Ooops, missed our exit on 99. Massive traffic jam at Park entrance. Valley closed? Craziness at Crane Flat. Overpriced gas. More traffic en route to Valley. Caffeine jitters - still! Jumped out of 4Runner and into river. Twice. Took over the driving with soggy pants. Found Jenny. Schlepped to her place. Snagged a bike and rode to the Village. Easy permit obtaining. Yelled at dumb tourists on bike path. Back to Boystown. Rafting! Last day on the river. DNC discount on raft. Took backpacks of beer onto river. Drinking. Smoking. Sun. Splashing. Paddling. Still feeling the caffeine. River was loooooow, and five in a raft. One submerged digital camera, assumed dead. Bailed on raft to slackline. Hugged Zara. Sun going below valley walls. Chilly in wet clothes. Walked back to Curry.
Drinking continued. Not me; lightweight. DNC discounted pizza. Saw lots of peeps from '04. Sleepy Michelle. Drinky Paul. Back to Boystown. Both crash. Sitting on Jenny's porch. Talking. Happy being back. Full moon tonight. Crashed before it climbed the valley walls. Slept in Jenny's bed. Twin bed for two! Little sleep for Jen. Long walk for midnight pee. Looking forward to High Country.
Drinking continued. Not me; lightweight. DNC discounted pizza. Saw lots of peeps from '04. Sleepy Michelle. Drinky Paul. Back to Boystown. Both crash. Sitting on Jenny's porch. Talking. Happy being back. Full moon tonight. Crashed before it climbed the valley walls. Slept in Jenny's bed. Twin bed for two! Little sleep for Jen. Long walk for midnight pee. Looking forward to High Country.
June 28, 2007
going home
i just finished packing. it's been a long while since i've loaded my backpack with gear. i had it down to such a science when i went backpacking every single weekend.
soon, i will be backpacking again. in a place i consider "home". it may be a bit odd to consider a national park one's home, but to me, yosemite will always feel like going home. it's been three summers since i lived there. that summer i lived there was life altering in so many ways. to me, yosemite represents freedom, simplicity, exploration and adventure. i long for all of those things, so it is with much glee that i pack to go home.
i will see dear friends i've missed. jenny. zara. who knows who else? secret crushes. the people who live there look out for one another; it's an odd community, but a tightly knit one. though i've been gone for three years, in some ways it will be like i never left. the yosemite hook-up of friends taking care of one another is still going strong.
there are places i've never been, even in the valley. hidden falls. can you believe it? i have less than 24 hours in the valley before we depart on the hiker's bus for our backpacking trip of the grand canyon of the tuolumne, but i plan to wring every last drop out of those precious minutes. jenny promises to take me to hidden falls. i want to see the indian caves again, a place very dear to me because of some special time there with paul. i'd like to go to devil's bathtub, but probably won't. i want to hang on the pizza deck on a saturday night. the river is low this year, and i want to grab the last day of rafting on the merced with beer and friends while lazily meandering the last of the trickle.
my hands smell like the mosquito repellent i packed an hour ago. the smell may be noxious to some, but for me, it's a reminder of home.
soon, i will be backpacking again. in a place i consider "home". it may be a bit odd to consider a national park one's home, but to me, yosemite will always feel like going home. it's been three summers since i lived there. that summer i lived there was life altering in so many ways. to me, yosemite represents freedom, simplicity, exploration and adventure. i long for all of those things, so it is with much glee that i pack to go home.
i will see dear friends i've missed. jenny. zara. who knows who else? secret crushes. the people who live there look out for one another; it's an odd community, but a tightly knit one. though i've been gone for three years, in some ways it will be like i never left. the yosemite hook-up of friends taking care of one another is still going strong.
there are places i've never been, even in the valley. hidden falls. can you believe it? i have less than 24 hours in the valley before we depart on the hiker's bus for our backpacking trip of the grand canyon of the tuolumne, but i plan to wring every last drop out of those precious minutes. jenny promises to take me to hidden falls. i want to see the indian caves again, a place very dear to me because of some special time there with paul. i'd like to go to devil's bathtub, but probably won't. i want to hang on the pizza deck on a saturday night. the river is low this year, and i want to grab the last day of rafting on the merced with beer and friends while lazily meandering the last of the trickle.
my hands smell like the mosquito repellent i packed an hour ago. the smell may be noxious to some, but for me, it's a reminder of home.
June 12, 2007
What would you name your traffic school?
Not to spill Paul's business, but he got a speeding ticket a while back. By paying a fine and going to traffic school he can avoid points on his license. Traffic school. Sounds dull and awful, doesn't it? Apparently whoever came up with "Comedy Traffic School" was on to something. It addressed the notion of sitting through some boring class. Looking through the Yellow Pages, Paul read off to me a long list of traffic school names that made "Comedy Traffic School" sound mundane. There was "Fun! Fun! Fun! and PIZZA!" traffic school, the was just ho-hum "Fun Fun Fun! Traffic School" and various permutations that guaranteed FUN!!!
Thinking about the marketing of traffic school made me think they're focusing too narrowly on their creative ideas for traffic school.
I want to start the "Bitches with Whips" traffic school, staff it with a few dommes. I'm certain it would be a hit in San Francisco.
Thinking about the marketing of traffic school made me think they're focusing too narrowly on their creative ideas for traffic school.
I want to start the "Bitches with Whips" traffic school, staff it with a few dommes. I'm certain it would be a hit in San Francisco.
June 11, 2007
Why are Mondays So Rough?
They just are. Today was a Big Brain day at work. Had to think a lot, juggle too much, and negotiate many large and small details. i blasted out of work around 6, hell bent on making it to a spin class. Traffic was unusually cooperative and I made it. It felt good, necessary, and right to be breaking a sweat. I was/am getting cranky. There was a palpable tension in the air today at work. That's not right for a Monday.
I'm on a crazy endless Pixies kick right now. Have listened to nothing else for two days. It won't leave my brain. Music I hear while getting tattooed etches itself in deeply. Pixies rule. How did I overlook all this goodness in my itunes?
My bike frame is built! It's been shipped off to get painted now, where it will be made uniquely mine. It's getting a purple paint job with lotus flowers and skull 'n crossbones airbrushed on. If that isn't rad, I don't know what is.
P i x i e s r u l e m y b r a i n . . . .
I'm on a crazy endless Pixies kick right now. Have listened to nothing else for two days. It won't leave my brain. Music I hear while getting tattooed etches itself in deeply. Pixies rule. How did I overlook all this goodness in my itunes?
My bike frame is built! It's been shipped off to get painted now, where it will be made uniquely mine. It's getting a purple paint job with lotus flowers and skull 'n crossbones airbrushed on. If that isn't rad, I don't know what is.
P i x i e s r u l e m y b r a i n . . . .
June 9, 2007
This week
More tattoo fun! I wasn't supposed to get inked until next weekend. I'd emailed Marcus asking him if he thought two weeks was enough time to heal before heading out on my backpacking trip over the July 4th weekend. He called me and squeezed me in, saying another week healing would be best. It's essentially done; I might need a half hour to touch some stuff up. I'm pretty happy with it. It fits much better than my old tattoo. But damn Marcus, he keeps leaving things open to the possibilites of extending my tattoos.
No more ink until after Nepal!
This week was rough. Paul found out on Wednesday that he needed surgery the next day. I'm in the middle of a big production, but I was fortunate enough to juggle my schedule so I could pick him up from the hospital Good thing I did, too. When he was leaving, he nearly passed out. I returned upstairs to find his nurse running, saying "He felt a little dizzy." I follow her to find him on a bed, shirt off and absolutely pouring sweat, mumbling incoherently about his hands going into claw-hand. Low oxygen, I noted. He was pale. Blood pressure was way down (down around where my normal BP is!, but I have almost concerningly low BP). He was experiencing symptoms of shock. I could go on an on, but it was a long evening spent reacting to Demerol. Demerol is satan. Don't take it!
Work was crazy this week, but crazy is the norm. I'm seeing a decent amount of overtime, that's for sure. Time and a half isn't such a bad thing.
Berkeley Farmer's Market this morning. Blueberries! No yoga, due to to inkage. Luna dog is lying asleep at my feet. Massage tomorrow. All in all, I can't complain.
No more ink until after Nepal!
This week was rough. Paul found out on Wednesday that he needed surgery the next day. I'm in the middle of a big production, but I was fortunate enough to juggle my schedule so I could pick him up from the hospital Good thing I did, too. When he was leaving, he nearly passed out. I returned upstairs to find his nurse running, saying "He felt a little dizzy." I follow her to find him on a bed, shirt off and absolutely pouring sweat, mumbling incoherently about his hands going into claw-hand. Low oxygen, I noted. He was pale. Blood pressure was way down (down around where my normal BP is!, but I have almost concerningly low BP). He was experiencing symptoms of shock. I could go on an on, but it was a long evening spent reacting to Demerol. Demerol is satan. Don't take it!
Work was crazy this week, but crazy is the norm. I'm seeing a decent amount of overtime, that's for sure. Time and a half isn't such a bad thing.
Berkeley Farmer's Market this morning. Blueberries! No yoga, due to to inkage. Luna dog is lying asleep at my feet. Massage tomorrow. All in all, I can't complain.
June 5, 2007
is it me?
do most people resent having to spend so much of their life working?
i do. yet i am strong, not weak. i can work my ass off. i am one of the most dilligent, organized, focused people i know.
is it because i expend so much energy on work that doesn't resonate within? does work hold such deep meaning for most people?
there's this CD (creative director) where i work. he's younger than me, and to him, it's all advertising, all the time. it's about the book, the thrill, the end product. i wish i were that passionate about work. or do i?
to me, work is a means to an end, a way to support a life. work is not life. work is work, or else work would be called "fun".
yet, it's not like i work in insurance. or something similarly dry. and i think even if i was over the moon about work, i still would not want to do it 50 hours a week. it's work. there's still life to be had.
and yet, i ponder the idea of getting a "real" job, in something i find more meaningful. i'd be making about 1/20th of what i do now, working more.
is that right? nope.
such is the conundrum of money vs. meaning, satisfaction vs. cash, freedom vs. happiness.
i do. yet i am strong, not weak. i can work my ass off. i am one of the most dilligent, organized, focused people i know.
is it because i expend so much energy on work that doesn't resonate within? does work hold such deep meaning for most people?
there's this CD (creative director) where i work. he's younger than me, and to him, it's all advertising, all the time. it's about the book, the thrill, the end product. i wish i were that passionate about work. or do i?
to me, work is a means to an end, a way to support a life. work is not life. work is work, or else work would be called "fun".
yet, it's not like i work in insurance. or something similarly dry. and i think even if i was over the moon about work, i still would not want to do it 50 hours a week. it's work. there's still life to be had.
and yet, i ponder the idea of getting a "real" job, in something i find more meaningful. i'd be making about 1/20th of what i do now, working more.
is that right? nope.
such is the conundrum of money vs. meaning, satisfaction vs. cash, freedom vs. happiness.
June 4, 2007
Ouchy Brain
It's Monday and I'm already exhausted and over this work week.
I'm starting week 4 of being back in an office 5 days a week. As of right now, I'm booked through the end of the month. That's some long hours between here and there.
Everytime I go back to work in an agency, I honestly think, "How can people work five days a week?" It's just not right. Year in, and year out. With only a few weeks of vacation a year. Five days a week. Two days to squeeze living in. Inevitably, one of those days becomes about errands, laundry, sleep, catching up on all the things that get put off while one works long hours for a string of days. Never mind commuting. Or the time away from the office checking emails and getting calls on the cel.
I can't do it. I watch people and wonder how they pull it off. I think it shows in people's posture and demeanor. But yet, this turning one's life over is what's completely normal and acceptable in our society. Anything else and you're not dedicated, or ambitious.
Why is that?
What is ambition anyway?
What keeps me going while feeling like a fish out of water in a cube farm? Plans. Plans for the life I plan to have when I take my little pile of money and run. I am always very conscious of trading a dollar amount for an hour of my life. That hour I will never get back, so I better get the most for it.
My current motivational plan is a backpacking trip in Yosemite. Paul, Michelle and I are going to do the Grand Canyon of the Tuolumne over the fourth of July weekend. I've done it once before, much too quickly to appreciate it well, and I know how deeply relaxing the daily hiking, rivers, waterfalls, and stars will be. My soul craves it like some crave love. It is love, I suppose.
I'm starting week 4 of being back in an office 5 days a week. As of right now, I'm booked through the end of the month. That's some long hours between here and there.
Everytime I go back to work in an agency, I honestly think, "How can people work five days a week?" It's just not right. Year in, and year out. With only a few weeks of vacation a year. Five days a week. Two days to squeeze living in. Inevitably, one of those days becomes about errands, laundry, sleep, catching up on all the things that get put off while one works long hours for a string of days. Never mind commuting. Or the time away from the office checking emails and getting calls on the cel.
I can't do it. I watch people and wonder how they pull it off. I think it shows in people's posture and demeanor. But yet, this turning one's life over is what's completely normal and acceptable in our society. Anything else and you're not dedicated, or ambitious.
Why is that?
What is ambition anyway?
What keeps me going while feeling like a fish out of water in a cube farm? Plans. Plans for the life I plan to have when I take my little pile of money and run. I am always very conscious of trading a dollar amount for an hour of my life. That hour I will never get back, so I better get the most for it.
My current motivational plan is a backpacking trip in Yosemite. Paul, Michelle and I are going to do the Grand Canyon of the Tuolumne over the fourth of July weekend. I've done it once before, much too quickly to appreciate it well, and I know how deeply relaxing the daily hiking, rivers, waterfalls, and stars will be. My soul craves it like some crave love. It is love, I suppose.
May 28, 2007
finally!
the thai air website FINALLY cooperated.
i believe i just purchased my RT ticket from Bangkok to Kathmandu!
this has been an early lesson in transportation matters not going smoothly as one might hope. the thai air website has had endless problems, right down to a programming error that, because i couldn't select "ms." as my prefix to my name, wouldn't allow me to proceed with booking my ticket.
the site would randomly freeze. daily. weekly. been trying forever.
emails to thai air...well, what do you expect? and to go through the Los Angeles office of thai air, the same exact ticket was $400 more. go figure.
the travel gods were with me this evening. after a couple tries, my credit card was finally accepted. (now let's hope it won't get stolen and used rampantly throughout asia!)
woo-hoo. october 4 - november 15. nepal. tibet, hopefully, too. everest base camp, possibly? annapurna circuit definitely.
stoked.
i believe i just purchased my RT ticket from Bangkok to Kathmandu!
this has been an early lesson in transportation matters not going smoothly as one might hope. the thai air website has had endless problems, right down to a programming error that, because i couldn't select "ms." as my prefix to my name, wouldn't allow me to proceed with booking my ticket.
the site would randomly freeze. daily. weekly. been trying forever.
emails to thai air...well, what do you expect? and to go through the Los Angeles office of thai air, the same exact ticket was $400 more. go figure.
the travel gods were with me this evening. after a couple tries, my credit card was finally accepted. (now let's hope it won't get stolen and used rampantly throughout asia!)
woo-hoo. october 4 - november 15. nepal. tibet, hopefully, too. everest base camp, possibly? annapurna circuit definitely.
stoked.
r a n d o m o n i a
mom left this morning. first time in years she didn't make me batshit at various points. i love my mom, but adult parent-child relationships can be...ah, interesting? challenging? AFOG. (another fuckin' opportunity for growth). that's what they are.
i have new neighbors upstairs. they turn their TV on at 6am. they listen to the stereo on heavy bass... their footsteps are much heavier than our previous neighbors. old neighbors even had delightfully exuberant pit bulls who ran laps. must meet new neighbors else they only annoy from afar.
new ink. covering my first tattoo. larger chest piece. slippery slope. pretty colors.
paul's about to lose his yoga bet. five spin classes in june. cannot wait to see this.
not exercising due to daily 9am work meeting (wtf?) and long hours. might be blowing off the morning meeting. exercise is sanity when working crazily.
breathing. it is an important thing to do.
june is around the corner. june conveys beginnings and endings. i was both married and divorced in the month of june. this year june promises long hours working. more tattoo fun. hopefully some good outdoorsy action. the possibility of my new bike being completed?
bike? ride? not hardly these days. sad.
but so much good around.
i have new neighbors upstairs. they turn their TV on at 6am. they listen to the stereo on heavy bass... their footsteps are much heavier than our previous neighbors. old neighbors even had delightfully exuberant pit bulls who ran laps. must meet new neighbors else they only annoy from afar.
new ink. covering my first tattoo. larger chest piece. slippery slope. pretty colors.
paul's about to lose his yoga bet. five spin classes in june. cannot wait to see this.
not exercising due to daily 9am work meeting (wtf?) and long hours. might be blowing off the morning meeting. exercise is sanity when working crazily.
breathing. it is an important thing to do.
june is around the corner. june conveys beginnings and endings. i was both married and divorced in the month of june. this year june promises long hours working. more tattoo fun. hopefully some good outdoorsy action. the possibility of my new bike being completed?
bike? ride? not hardly these days. sad.
but so much good around.
May 24, 2007
Start to Finish
What an annoyingly off day today was.
It started with the ECD (head creative honcho, for those who don't adspeak) directing a fucking-fuckity-fuck-fuck-fuck rant at me over some images not being in his important little hands. Uh-huh, dude, I don't care who you are, don't be an unprofessional fuck and speak to me in that manner. I don't sit so far from the front door, and you ain't paying me enough money to take your bullshit on.
Then the trip over the Bay Bridge home was The Worst I've Ever Seen. It took a full 40 minutes to get on the damn bridge.
I drove into work today because my mom came into town, and had to lug her luggage.
She's now asleep on my couch snoring as loud as an old man who has a barrel chest andhair in his ears.
Except she has neither.
But, damn. She's loud. Wonder if we'll get much sleep tonight.
TGIF tomorrow....
It started with the ECD (head creative honcho, for those who don't adspeak) directing a fucking-fuckity-fuck-fuck-fuck rant at me over some images not being in his important little hands. Uh-huh, dude, I don't care who you are, don't be an unprofessional fuck and speak to me in that manner. I don't sit so far from the front door, and you ain't paying me enough money to take your bullshit on.
Then the trip over the Bay Bridge home was The Worst I've Ever Seen. It took a full 40 minutes to get on the damn bridge.
I drove into work today because my mom came into town, and had to lug her luggage.
She's now asleep on my couch snoring as loud as an old man who has a barrel chest andhair in his ears.
Except she has neither.
But, damn. She's loud. Wonder if we'll get much sleep tonight.
TGIF tomorrow....
May 21, 2007
Ask and ye shall receive
It sounds silly to believe in the power of intention. But I do.
It happens over and over, where I ask for something, and when I really am clear about my intentions, things show up.
Like work. Until last week, I'd only worked three weeks this year. I'd had a nice long break since Thanksgiving.
I put it out there: work, please show up. I made a couple small actions in contacting a couple people and agencies whom I'd never worked with.
A gig rolled in, booking me through the end of June. Then another agency wanted to book most of my June. Funny how that happens.
When the bank account starts getting uncomfortably low, work always shows up. I trust this, and I think that's why I'm a stress-free freelancer.
But, oh man, is it rough to go from limitless free time without much responsibility to flat-out slammed silly busy. My brain actually takes a day or two to get used to the juggling state of overwhelm. It takes adjusting to squeeze life in around the edges of work. Weekends become all about errands and laundry. I honestly don't know how staffers do it on a year in, year out basis. I can do it in the short-term because I'm paid hourly and anything is possible for short stints.
Last week was a doozy. The agency I'm working at now is new, and it's like a hip ad agency thrown into a dot-com blender. I easily saw 55 hours worked last week. I was exhausted and drained at the end of each day, and cumulatively, at the end of the week.
Time to suck it up, kiddo. Remember: Nepal. That's what I keep telling myself.
It happens over and over, where I ask for something, and when I really am clear about my intentions, things show up.
Like work. Until last week, I'd only worked three weeks this year. I'd had a nice long break since Thanksgiving.
I put it out there: work, please show up. I made a couple small actions in contacting a couple people and agencies whom I'd never worked with.
A gig rolled in, booking me through the end of June. Then another agency wanted to book most of my June. Funny how that happens.
When the bank account starts getting uncomfortably low, work always shows up. I trust this, and I think that's why I'm a stress-free freelancer.
But, oh man, is it rough to go from limitless free time without much responsibility to flat-out slammed silly busy. My brain actually takes a day or two to get used to the juggling state of overwhelm. It takes adjusting to squeeze life in around the edges of work. Weekends become all about errands and laundry. I honestly don't know how staffers do it on a year in, year out basis. I can do it in the short-term because I'm paid hourly and anything is possible for short stints.
Last week was a doozy. The agency I'm working at now is new, and it's like a hip ad agency thrown into a dot-com blender. I easily saw 55 hours worked last week. I was exhausted and drained at the end of each day, and cumulatively, at the end of the week.
Time to suck it up, kiddo. Remember: Nepal. That's what I keep telling myself.
May 13, 2007
It's always changing
I was looking forward to an exciting May. All kinds of adventures.
It's a good reminder to not get attached to things. For the most part, that has been easy to do. The Grizzly Peak Century was last weekend. I rode it, but bailed around 57 miles. My allergies have been active recently, and this resulted in my asthma flaring up on the ride. I knew it wasn't smart to do the full 108 even though I had an inhaler. And then Mark's chain broke. That sealed the deal. Mark had been an angel and was hanging back with me while I was slow poking it. With a broken chain, thus concluded our ride. We called Paul to come get us in Moraga.
Oh well. It was a lovely day for riding. 55+ miles plus isn't too shabby. But I'm starting to feel lame....because now I can't do the Davis Double either.
Remember how I was wanting to get some work? It's here. I went in one day to get aquainted, and tomorrow I start for real. Looks like they need me through June. I am walking into some heavy disorganization. I know this place to be demanding and stressful and 24/7. I will be grateful for the work and shut up (for now). Even if I did lower my rate a bit.
So this week will be nuts and I can't cut out early on Friday or be unreachable on Saturday. So it was with much regret that I had to tell Mark I wasn't riding Davis. Ultra-lame cause I had bugged him to register and ride it with me.
Oh, and the Yosemite trip? That got bagged, too. Sadly. Paul's not been bounding back in his recovery quite as fast as we'd hoped. It wouldn't have been fun, he would have parked it by the river and not moved. We'll go another time.
I did manage a hike this weekend. Tennessee Valley over to Rodeo Beach. Wonderful. Amazing views. Can't believe I've not done that one before.
Now that I'll be working, I have to manage to get exercise in before work. Six a.m. spin classes just aren't fun for me. But I gotta do them. I realized my tip-top fitness has been slipping because of being in a relationship and living with Paul. No blame, it's just been some choices I've made.
It's just time to make some different choices.
It's a good reminder to not get attached to things. For the most part, that has been easy to do. The Grizzly Peak Century was last weekend. I rode it, but bailed around 57 miles. My allergies have been active recently, and this resulted in my asthma flaring up on the ride. I knew it wasn't smart to do the full 108 even though I had an inhaler. And then Mark's chain broke. That sealed the deal. Mark had been an angel and was hanging back with me while I was slow poking it. With a broken chain, thus concluded our ride. We called Paul to come get us in Moraga.
Oh well. It was a lovely day for riding. 55+ miles plus isn't too shabby. But I'm starting to feel lame....because now I can't do the Davis Double either.
Remember how I was wanting to get some work? It's here. I went in one day to get aquainted, and tomorrow I start for real. Looks like they need me through June. I am walking into some heavy disorganization. I know this place to be demanding and stressful and 24/7. I will be grateful for the work and shut up (for now). Even if I did lower my rate a bit.
So this week will be nuts and I can't cut out early on Friday or be unreachable on Saturday. So it was with much regret that I had to tell Mark I wasn't riding Davis. Ultra-lame cause I had bugged him to register and ride it with me.
Oh, and the Yosemite trip? That got bagged, too. Sadly. Paul's not been bounding back in his recovery quite as fast as we'd hoped. It wouldn't have been fun, he would have parked it by the river and not moved. We'll go another time.
I did manage a hike this weekend. Tennessee Valley over to Rodeo Beach. Wonderful. Amazing views. Can't believe I've not done that one before.
Now that I'll be working, I have to manage to get exercise in before work. Six a.m. spin classes just aren't fun for me. But I gotta do them. I realized my tip-top fitness has been slipping because of being in a relationship and living with Paul. No blame, it's just been some choices I've made.
It's just time to make some different choices.
May 1, 2007
Defensiveness
Defensiveness is the bastard child of shame.
that's the difference between sensitivity and defensiveness.
that's the difference between sensitivity and defensiveness.
April 30, 2007
Get Ready
May is going to be an excellent month.
1. Yosemite Trip!
2. Bike event(s)
3. New tattoo work begins
4. Mom comes to visit
5.Going on a citizen ride-along with Oakland Police Dept
6. Work will definitely show up
1. Yosemite Trip!
2. Bike event(s)
3. New tattoo work begins
4. Mom comes to visit
5.Going on a citizen ride-along with Oakland Police Dept
6. Work will definitely show up
April 21, 2007
April 19, 2007
Yes, a Chipmunk.
Most people don't know this, but I have been working with a Life Purpose Coach. I know that advertising work allows me great freedom, but the work isn't meaningful to me, in fact, it is rather the opposite. I feel strongly that if I must work, it should be doing something that is either beneficial in some capacity, or is personally meaningful.
So we've been going through various exercises, and this most recent one was a guided meditation done to a CD. Since I am not at all religious and don't have a god, this was my chosen method to access my "soul". The CD presents itself as a means to visualize yourself sitting in a beautiful setting, then walking down a path and coming upon what is to be your sacred area. One visualizes various things. (I'm rather reluctant to post my entire notes from the sitting, but they're pretty Timothy Leary-ish.) This methodology assumes you have a Protector (aka Ego) that wants you to be safe, protected and happy. You conjure up your Protector, and ask them to step outside the sacred circle you've put yourself into.
Any guesses what my Protector emerged as while I did this visualized meditation?
A Chipmunk. Yes, you read that correctly.
Where did that come from? Okay, so I go on with the rest of the guided meditation (which was quite visual, trippy and had interesting bodily sensations). After I was finished, I was very intrigued about this chipmunk. It seemed so random.
Thanks to the power of the internet, I was able to look up the symbolism of chipmunks. This particular website gave me my totem animal. Here is the description of my Chipmunk Totem:
Chipmunk, like squirrel, embodies the quality of trust. They have little fear of people and are often found in rural areas, city parks and in the wild. Chipmunks are very curious and take the time to explore everything that comes across their path. They are inquisitive, fearless and playful. They do what they want to do in their own time frame. They are quite vocal often drawing attention to themselves. Chipmunk medicine people will not tolerate being told what to do or when to do it.
They make good leaders and spokespersons.
When a chipmunk is twelve weeks old they have the ability to be on their own. The symbolism of the number twelve or the combined numbers of one and two should be studied by those with this totem. Cycles occur regularly in a persons life and those with chipmunk medicine will often find that changes will occur in their life approximately every twelve weeks or twelve months. Knowing this gives you forewarning and the opportunity for preparedness.
By watching the chipmunks behavior much can be learned. They appear to scamper to and fro always in a hurry to get somewhere. Starting in one direction, circling around and arriving back where they started from. There is no detail that goes unnoticed by the chipmunk as they circle around andsee beyond the obvious. Chipmunk teaches the art of observation and
appropriate movement.
Chipmunks have an air of independence and certainty about them. Their inquisitive nature leads them into unexplored territory and their detailed mind leaves no stone unturned.
If chipmunk is your totem pay attention to how your energy is being used. Are you thoughts constructive or destructive? Are your fears keeping you from playing and enjoying life? Are you in charge of your life or have you given you authority over to another?
Chipmunk is the messenger of many realms. If this is your totem you are on your way to self discovery.
This was spot on. Fascinating. Telling.
When I spoke to my Coach this morning, we went through this because I identify with a lot of what is described above. It made sense to her that my protector showed up like this, because this is part of the conscious self, the ego, etc.
There was one other part of the exercises that I couldn't bring myself to do. It involves some journaling and asking questions of the "soul" or whatever source it was that gave me my last bit of information ("it" did tell me a "purpose", albeit a vague one, so I need to go back and ask some additional questions.)
This journaling exercise cannot be done by me in my livingroom. Or indoors. I have been having dreams about needing to go back to Yosemite. So there is where I will go to ask these questions, sitting by a river. How Herman Hesse, huh? I have long been drawn to listening to the river rushing and all the voices within, so I will go to Yosemite and sit. And ask. Ask the river.
A weekend has been carved out to go to Yosemite anyway, since I have been getting the jones.
Uh-huh. Jen's going a little crazy, a little too much granola for breakfast, a little woo-woo. Poor, dotty girl you might be thinking.
Hey, man, a chipmunk has got my back. Can you do better than that?
So we've been going through various exercises, and this most recent one was a guided meditation done to a CD. Since I am not at all religious and don't have a god, this was my chosen method to access my "soul". The CD presents itself as a means to visualize yourself sitting in a beautiful setting, then walking down a path and coming upon what is to be your sacred area. One visualizes various things. (I'm rather reluctant to post my entire notes from the sitting, but they're pretty Timothy Leary-ish.) This methodology assumes you have a Protector (aka Ego) that wants you to be safe, protected and happy. You conjure up your Protector, and ask them to step outside the sacred circle you've put yourself into.
Any guesses what my Protector emerged as while I did this visualized meditation?
A Chipmunk. Yes, you read that correctly.
Where did that come from? Okay, so I go on with the rest of the guided meditation (which was quite visual, trippy and had interesting bodily sensations). After I was finished, I was very intrigued about this chipmunk. It seemed so random.
Thanks to the power of the internet, I was able to look up the symbolism of chipmunks. This particular website gave me my totem animal. Here is the description of my Chipmunk Totem:
Chipmunk, like squirrel, embodies the quality of trust. They have little fear of people and are often found in rural areas, city parks and in the wild. Chipmunks are very curious and take the time to explore everything that comes across their path. They are inquisitive, fearless and playful. They do what they want to do in their own time frame. They are quite vocal often drawing attention to themselves. Chipmunk medicine people will not tolerate being told what to do or when to do it.
They make good leaders and spokespersons.
When a chipmunk is twelve weeks old they have the ability to be on their own. The symbolism of the number twelve or the combined numbers of one and two should be studied by those with this totem. Cycles occur regularly in a persons life and those with chipmunk medicine will often find that changes will occur in their life approximately every twelve weeks or twelve months. Knowing this gives you forewarning and the opportunity for preparedness.
By watching the chipmunks behavior much can be learned. They appear to scamper to and fro always in a hurry to get somewhere. Starting in one direction, circling around and arriving back where they started from. There is no detail that goes unnoticed by the chipmunk as they circle around andsee beyond the obvious. Chipmunk teaches the art of observation and
appropriate movement.
Chipmunks have an air of independence and certainty about them. Their inquisitive nature leads them into unexplored territory and their detailed mind leaves no stone unturned.
If chipmunk is your totem pay attention to how your energy is being used. Are you thoughts constructive or destructive? Are your fears keeping you from playing and enjoying life? Are you in charge of your life or have you given you authority over to another?
Chipmunk is the messenger of many realms. If this is your totem you are on your way to self discovery.
This was spot on. Fascinating. Telling.
When I spoke to my Coach this morning, we went through this because I identify with a lot of what is described above. It made sense to her that my protector showed up like this, because this is part of the conscious self, the ego, etc.
There was one other part of the exercises that I couldn't bring myself to do. It involves some journaling and asking questions of the "soul" or whatever source it was that gave me my last bit of information ("it" did tell me a "purpose", albeit a vague one, so I need to go back and ask some additional questions.)
This journaling exercise cannot be done by me in my livingroom. Or indoors. I have been having dreams about needing to go back to Yosemite. So there is where I will go to ask these questions, sitting by a river. How Herman Hesse, huh? I have long been drawn to listening to the river rushing and all the voices within, so I will go to Yosemite and sit. And ask. Ask the river.
A weekend has been carved out to go to Yosemite anyway, since I have been getting the jones.
Uh-huh. Jen's going a little crazy, a little too much granola for breakfast, a little woo-woo. Poor, dotty girl you might be thinking.
Hey, man, a chipmunk has got my back. Can you do better than that?
April 18, 2007
Need my fix one more time...
Like a junkie, I need one more. It seems as if I'm going to get it.
It's snowing. Kirkwood got six inches yesterday, and if the forecast remains true, there ought to be another six or so inches for Friday. So we're going to make the drive and get in what will likely be the last riding day of the season. I thought the season was done, but Mother Nature seems to be delivering a late season bag o' tricks.
Michelle called me excited to go up on Friday. I convinced P to take the day off, too. Road trip! It's a long day, up and back, but when it's good it's worth it.
My dilemma: I got a new board. Haven't ridden it because the season went to shit. Do I ride it? There will be potentially exposed rocks and junk to scratch up my new board. Or do I leave it tucked in the back of the closet until next season? I think I'll bring it, and leave my options open. I can do this, since we'll all be piling in my car.
(Hello, universe! Just because I'm having a ridiculous amount of fun playing doesn't mean you can't bring on some money-making work. Thanks!)
It's snowing. Kirkwood got six inches yesterday, and if the forecast remains true, there ought to be another six or so inches for Friday. So we're going to make the drive and get in what will likely be the last riding day of the season. I thought the season was done, but Mother Nature seems to be delivering a late season bag o' tricks.
Michelle called me excited to go up on Friday. I convinced P to take the day off, too. Road trip! It's a long day, up and back, but when it's good it's worth it.
My dilemma: I got a new board. Haven't ridden it because the season went to shit. Do I ride it? There will be potentially exposed rocks and junk to scratch up my new board. Or do I leave it tucked in the back of the closet until next season? I think I'll bring it, and leave my options open. I can do this, since we'll all be piling in my car.
(Hello, universe! Just because I'm having a ridiculous amount of fun playing doesn't mean you can't bring on some money-making work. Thanks!)
April 15, 2007
Whew!
I passed.
What a relief. I am supposed to guide an outing next weekend, so my certification had to be current. Medical stuff is more in the forefront of my mind than it has been for a while. This information can be life or death in the backcountry (and also when in Nepal), so it's not the kind of thing one wants to lose fluency in.
I've been stressin' this most of last week. Life can resume now.
(Um, hello to the universe: need some adbucks, could use some work. please?)
What a relief. I am supposed to guide an outing next weekend, so my certification had to be current. Medical stuff is more in the forefront of my mind than it has been for a while. This information can be life or death in the backcountry (and also when in Nepal), so it's not the kind of thing one wants to lose fluency in.
I've been stressin' this most of last week. Life can resume now.
(Um, hello to the universe: need some adbucks, could use some work. please?)
April 11, 2007
Why can't REI sell REAL bras?
Oh, I am so not a Real Girl. It's a sad fact that if an item in my wardrobe didn't come from REI, then it's from a thrift store. I confess: I hate shopping for clothes if they're for me. Thus, I end up buying all my clothes at REI, not only because of the convenience factor, but also because my employee discount kind of makes paying full retail anywhere seem like a waste of money. And yes, sure, the clothes REI sells kinda fits in with my outdoorsy-crunchy look I seem to have landed into because I could care less about spending time on coordinating outfits and looking good. My personal clothes-buying philosophy is that I should be able to get dressed in the dark, that every shirt should go with every pair of pants and that everything is neutral enough that I don't need to spend time getting matchy. Pretty seems to be a word that eludes me, and I'm okay with that.
Anyway, REI doesn't carry real bras. They carry sports bras, and I do have self-worth enough to not parade around a uniboob at all times. I desperately need new bras. I detest bra shopping in the worst way. It is only second to going to the dentist. The only way to make the bra buying experience somewhat bearable is for me to commit spending fat cash on bras, and to go to Nordstrom's. They have bra chicks - women whose job it is to fit you, then run in and out and bring you bras. This is an unbelievably fantastic service, because part of what I hate about bra shopping is trying on bras that don't fit, getting dressed again to go find more possibilities, and then repeating ad nauseum until I find a couple that work. The bra fitters get a proper fit, find bras that work for one's size and shape, and then bring them to you and adjust straps, etc. It's lovely because it cuts the shopping time dramatically, and aside from the pain of plunking down the credit card, it takes much of the misery out of bra shopping.
Despite my glowing testimonial of bra shopping at Nordstrom's, I can't drag my ass there to get much needed bras. I have three and they're falling apart. How un-sexy is that? Nevermind that I also just go for the industrial-strength bra because finding support and sexy hardly go together when you're looking for a bra in my size. Or else I just can't give it the time it would take for the planets to align into one perfect fitting, sexy, overpriced scrap of fabric and underwire.
Today I went into SF. I intended to go to Nordstrom's. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. But I went by REI, mostly to say hi to my boss there. I left with a bag of purchases, all Prana: a cute strappy tank top, a lacy skirt and a pair of stretchy zip-off convertible pants. Good lord, if they could just sell bras.
Go figure, I somehow managed to do an unusually girlie thing today. I dove back into the higher maintenance world of the brazilian wax. Ostensibly, it's because cycling season is here and this results in less ingrown hairs when I spend countless hours in spandex shorts. But there's something nice about the tidy smoothness. Hello? I can get hair stripped from my girlie bits, but I can't go buy a couple bras.
How lame is that?
Anyway, REI doesn't carry real bras. They carry sports bras, and I do have self-worth enough to not parade around a uniboob at all times. I desperately need new bras. I detest bra shopping in the worst way. It is only second to going to the dentist. The only way to make the bra buying experience somewhat bearable is for me to commit spending fat cash on bras, and to go to Nordstrom's. They have bra chicks - women whose job it is to fit you, then run in and out and bring you bras. This is an unbelievably fantastic service, because part of what I hate about bra shopping is trying on bras that don't fit, getting dressed again to go find more possibilities, and then repeating ad nauseum until I find a couple that work. The bra fitters get a proper fit, find bras that work for one's size and shape, and then bring them to you and adjust straps, etc. It's lovely because it cuts the shopping time dramatically, and aside from the pain of plunking down the credit card, it takes much of the misery out of bra shopping.
Despite my glowing testimonial of bra shopping at Nordstrom's, I can't drag my ass there to get much needed bras. I have three and they're falling apart. How un-sexy is that? Nevermind that I also just go for the industrial-strength bra because finding support and sexy hardly go together when you're looking for a bra in my size. Or else I just can't give it the time it would take for the planets to align into one perfect fitting, sexy, overpriced scrap of fabric and underwire.
Today I went into SF. I intended to go to Nordstrom's. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. But I went by REI, mostly to say hi to my boss there. I left with a bag of purchases, all Prana: a cute strappy tank top, a lacy skirt and a pair of stretchy zip-off convertible pants. Good lord, if they could just sell bras.
Go figure, I somehow managed to do an unusually girlie thing today. I dove back into the higher maintenance world of the brazilian wax. Ostensibly, it's because cycling season is here and this results in less ingrown hairs when I spend countless hours in spandex shorts. But there's something nice about the tidy smoothness. Hello? I can get hair stripped from my girlie bits, but I can't go buy a couple bras.
How lame is that?
April 7, 2007
Sloth Returns
A rainy day. A long afternoon spent in bed. A long nap.
Several Dark 'n Stormys. Potentially lethal, those. Sure, yes, still vegan. But sweet potato fries with curried mayo at 10pm?
Do not redeliver those pre-fast pounds, please.
Several Dark 'n Stormys. Potentially lethal, those. Sure, yes, still vegan. But sweet potato fries with curried mayo at 10pm?
Do not redeliver those pre-fast pounds, please.
April 2, 2007
Not in a morbid way...
This topic has been on my mind lately. It's a recurring topic of thought. I wish there was some way to incorporate that into my life's work.
This has also been an ongoing interest of mine, ever since witnessing a family member's death. I wish I had it in me to make the time commitment to this program.
It's sad we can treat our pets humanely, but not those we love.
This has also been an ongoing interest of mine, ever since witnessing a family member's death. I wish I had it in me to make the time commitment to this program.
It's sad we can treat our pets humanely, but not those we love.
March 30, 2007
Transitions
Thus concludes the fast.
here's a wrap-up:
On the eve of Day 8, Paul and I agree to start making the transition off the fast. We's already stocked up on our oranges for juice. We'd each had a few troublesome symptoms arise that made us think there would be no additional benefit of going two more days. No Smooth Move tea for me tonight, though P enjoyed his.
Day 9:
Down a half pound. Officially below my move-in-with-Paul weight. Let's try to stay there now.
We each did one last salt water consumption in the morning. Paul juiced a bunch of oranges for me to have throughout the day. He's so sweet and good to me. Juice was electrifyingly good. Explosively flavorful. Pulpy, the way I like it. I felt some rumblings in my gut after drinking. Some quick trips to the loo were necessary. Didn't spin, thought I would go to yoga but didn't even do that. Very uneventful day. I did figure out the great mystery of my moutain bike's front shock not taking air, so all was not lost.
Paul made vegetable soup stock that evening. What can I say? It was unbelievable. So good. Rich, complex, almost creamy on the tongue even though it was a clear broth. He'd cooked lentils in the broth too. After the broth had cooled, there sat a pile of the softened stock vegetables and lentils as a mass lump. Some might toss it, but we picked and savored. These veggies would go back into the stock for our veggie soup tomorrow.
Day 10:
Go figure, I gain half a pound when I step on the scale this morning. Who knew you could gain weight on orange juice?
No Smooth Move tea + no salt water = you guessed it: nothing!
Paul juiced a bunch of blood oranges for me. So pretty! I'm liking this fresh squeezed juice. It tastes like spring in a glass. After taking Luna to the vet, I had a small cup of the soup before heading off to yoga class. The soup was so good. Simple, but quite flavorful. Soup is always a good thing in my book. But I've gotta tell you, I felt pretty decadent sitting there with my glass of blood orange juice and a cup of soup. I felt like I was living the high life!
After yoga, had some more soup. This time with a rye cracker. Chewing! I was back to chewing. I felt pretty full immediately, and slightly bloated. Fiber! With some nutrients in me, I felt the fog that had inhabited my brain for the past week or so begin to left. Seriously. I felt more capable of quick thinking, less hippified and s l o w. I also felt like I had some real energy for teaching tonight.
Spin class was great. No issues. Legs worked. Paul and I made what was an absolutely delicious salad. Avocado, fancy cut celery, shredded carrot, black beans, walnuts, chopped Italian parsley, dried cranberries and mixed greens tossed with Goddess dressing. (Bad name, good stuff. And vegan.) Chewing slowly and savoring. We kept commenting how good the food tasted and noticed individual flavors. And in true Paul fashion: dessert. Sliced bannanas dipped in melted dark chocolate.
Oh. My. God. Even dark chocolate tasted remarkably sweet. So lucious and smooth and perfect.
We're back on food. Yay!
Today, Day 11: Fully eating.
For breakfast I had almonds soaked in water overnight. (I can't describe how this changes the almonds, but it's wonderful. I learned to love soaked almonds on a Spirit Rock meditation retreat.) Had a rye cracker spread with soy yogurt, and a sliced apple.
Oh, and green tea. I am going to try the green tea thing for a while instead of coffee. I so love my coffee with chocolate soy milk every morning, but it seems almost wrong to go straight back into that habit. I feel like eating lighter, and the way I make my coffee is mud-like. Thick and almost pour-able.
I feel well-equipped to teach a two hour class tonight, thankfully. So much so, that I'm recycling a super-hard class filled with long accelerations for tonight.
My wise friend Marty asked me what I got out of the fast. Here's what I told him: "I got to re-experience the simple pleasure of what food tastes like and how enjoyable it is! I got a break from sugar and caffeine and a chance to restart/rebreak some habits. I don't know about feeling "cleansed" or anything, but it was an interesting break. I have SO much more energy, but it's subtle."
here's a wrap-up:
On the eve of Day 8, Paul and I agree to start making the transition off the fast. We's already stocked up on our oranges for juice. We'd each had a few troublesome symptoms arise that made us think there would be no additional benefit of going two more days. No Smooth Move tea for me tonight, though P enjoyed his.
Day 9:
Down a half pound. Officially below my move-in-with-Paul weight. Let's try to stay there now.
We each did one last salt water consumption in the morning. Paul juiced a bunch of oranges for me to have throughout the day. He's so sweet and good to me. Juice was electrifyingly good. Explosively flavorful. Pulpy, the way I like it. I felt some rumblings in my gut after drinking. Some quick trips to the loo were necessary. Didn't spin, thought I would go to yoga but didn't even do that. Very uneventful day. I did figure out the great mystery of my moutain bike's front shock not taking air, so all was not lost.
Paul made vegetable soup stock that evening. What can I say? It was unbelievable. So good. Rich, complex, almost creamy on the tongue even though it was a clear broth. He'd cooked lentils in the broth too. After the broth had cooled, there sat a pile of the softened stock vegetables and lentils as a mass lump. Some might toss it, but we picked and savored. These veggies would go back into the stock for our veggie soup tomorrow.
Day 10:
Go figure, I gain half a pound when I step on the scale this morning. Who knew you could gain weight on orange juice?
No Smooth Move tea + no salt water = you guessed it: nothing!
Paul juiced a bunch of blood oranges for me. So pretty! I'm liking this fresh squeezed juice. It tastes like spring in a glass. After taking Luna to the vet, I had a small cup of the soup before heading off to yoga class. The soup was so good. Simple, but quite flavorful. Soup is always a good thing in my book. But I've gotta tell you, I felt pretty decadent sitting there with my glass of blood orange juice and a cup of soup. I felt like I was living the high life!
After yoga, had some more soup. This time with a rye cracker. Chewing! I was back to chewing. I felt pretty full immediately, and slightly bloated. Fiber! With some nutrients in me, I felt the fog that had inhabited my brain for the past week or so begin to left. Seriously. I felt more capable of quick thinking, less hippified and s l o w. I also felt like I had some real energy for teaching tonight.
Spin class was great. No issues. Legs worked. Paul and I made what was an absolutely delicious salad. Avocado, fancy cut celery, shredded carrot, black beans, walnuts, chopped Italian parsley, dried cranberries and mixed greens tossed with Goddess dressing. (Bad name, good stuff. And vegan.) Chewing slowly and savoring. We kept commenting how good the food tasted and noticed individual flavors. And in true Paul fashion: dessert. Sliced bannanas dipped in melted dark chocolate.
Oh. My. God. Even dark chocolate tasted remarkably sweet. So lucious and smooth and perfect.
We're back on food. Yay!
Today, Day 11: Fully eating.
For breakfast I had almonds soaked in water overnight. (I can't describe how this changes the almonds, but it's wonderful. I learned to love soaked almonds on a Spirit Rock meditation retreat.) Had a rye cracker spread with soy yogurt, and a sliced apple.
Oh, and green tea. I am going to try the green tea thing for a while instead of coffee. I so love my coffee with chocolate soy milk every morning, but it seems almost wrong to go straight back into that habit. I feel like eating lighter, and the way I make my coffee is mud-like. Thick and almost pour-able.
I feel well-equipped to teach a two hour class tonight, thankfully. So much so, that I'm recycling a super-hard class filled with long accelerations for tonight.
My wise friend Marty asked me what I got out of the fast. Here's what I told him: "I got to re-experience the simple pleasure of what food tastes like and how enjoyable it is! I got a break from sugar and caffeine and a chance to restart/rebreak some habits. I don't know about feeling "cleansed" or anything, but it was an interesting break. I have SO much more energy, but it's subtle."
March 27, 2007
Day 8: Slip and Fizzle
So I went to a noon spin class. I walked out the front door, forgetting my water bottles.
Didn't realize this detail until a second before class was to start. What to do? Nathan, my fellow spin instructor, offered me a "water". Turns out to be one of those Glaceau Vitamin Water things. A tiny bit of sugar and froot flavor. What could I do? Dehydrate and say no? So I thanked him and took the bottle, after all, it had some electrolytes and vitamins and those could do me some good.
First sip: WHOA! Tasting something other than lemonade was a trip. It was way sweet. Not sugary, but sweet, almost electrifyingly so. I am guessing the first foods and flavors I taste post-fast will be the same way. I drank it, feeling slightly guilty. Hello, Jen! It's water! Not like you pounded a whole cake or anything!
The other thing of note: my muscles have absolutely NO ability to recover right now. I went to spin yesterday, keeping it pretty moderate in the 80-85% HR zone. Nothing crazy, my average for the hour ride was under 80%. Today, though, my HR wouldn't stay up, my legs felt incredibly heavy, especially my inner thighs. I went through the motions of the class without really digging in a doing the super hard work; my legs just weren't there. I mean it. They were fighting me.
Makes sense. Eight days into a fast, with back-to-back spinning. No protein. No "real" nutrients for my muscles to recover.
Tomorrow will be a yoga only day. I'm a little concerned about Thursday and Friday, but I can modify my way through it.
Talked to one of my fellow spinners who is a MD psychiatrist and he said what I was doing was bad for my body, and that I was likely in ketosis (wasn't it cool to be in ketosis during the Zone craze?) and that my body is in startvation mode, so as soon as I start eating again it will take those calories and store them immediately as fat. Hmmm, wonder if that is true?
Didn't realize this detail until a second before class was to start. What to do? Nathan, my fellow spin instructor, offered me a "water". Turns out to be one of those Glaceau Vitamin Water things. A tiny bit of sugar and froot flavor. What could I do? Dehydrate and say no? So I thanked him and took the bottle, after all, it had some electrolytes and vitamins and those could do me some good.
First sip: WHOA! Tasting something other than lemonade was a trip. It was way sweet. Not sugary, but sweet, almost electrifyingly so. I am guessing the first foods and flavors I taste post-fast will be the same way. I drank it, feeling slightly guilty. Hello, Jen! It's water! Not like you pounded a whole cake or anything!
The other thing of note: my muscles have absolutely NO ability to recover right now. I went to spin yesterday, keeping it pretty moderate in the 80-85% HR zone. Nothing crazy, my average for the hour ride was under 80%. Today, though, my HR wouldn't stay up, my legs felt incredibly heavy, especially my inner thighs. I went through the motions of the class without really digging in a doing the super hard work; my legs just weren't there. I mean it. They were fighting me.
Makes sense. Eight days into a fast, with back-to-back spinning. No protein. No "real" nutrients for my muscles to recover.
Tomorrow will be a yoga only day. I'm a little concerned about Thursday and Friday, but I can modify my way through it.
Talked to one of my fellow spinners who is a MD psychiatrist and he said what I was doing was bad for my body, and that I was likely in ketosis (wasn't it cool to be in ketosis during the Zone craze?) and that my body is in startvation mode, so as soon as I start eating again it will take those calories and store them immediately as fat. Hmmm, wonder if that is true?
Day 7 was yesterday
I said I'd make it 7 days, and I did. It changes from moment to moment, but at this moment I'm going for the full 10. My only concern in cutting it short or modifying the fast with some protein consumption is my exercise. Thursday night I teach spin as normal, and Friday night I teach a two hour spin class. This would be the day I get orange juice.
Yesterday was fine. The rain killed our plans for a hike, so I went to spin instead. My spinfriends as all puzzled and question-y as to why I am doing this. I am thinking of food. Looking at pictures, and reading restaurant menus on the web. We looked at a vegan cookbook and chose Paul's first post-fast baking treat. I am eyeing the jar of pickles in the fridge, wanting to slice them up thin and savor their salty goodness.
Paul cleaned out the fridge so when we do start eating, it's clean and has plenty of space for the healthy goodness that will take up residency. I am hoping he will stay interested in eating vegan and/or healthy, for selfish reasons; I stand a better chance of cleaning up my diet if he's on the same page. When Ben + Jerry walk through the front door with him, it's usually all over for me.
I feel a little colder. A little more reclusive. A bit more inwardly focused. And definitely less congested. I haven't breathed this well through my right nostril in a long while. Dairy really isn't our friend, is it? Without meal prep, it leaves us time for a little more fun.
Plus, it's been nice to see the scale moving downward. Eight pounds as of this morning (day 8). Almost down to cycling weight, and just under the weight I was when I moved in with Paul. I have this delusional idea that I want to lose another 10 pounds or so before I leave for Nepal.
But I live with a guy who cooks and bakes. Right.
Yesterday was fine. The rain killed our plans for a hike, so I went to spin instead. My spinfriends as all puzzled and question-y as to why I am doing this. I am thinking of food. Looking at pictures, and reading restaurant menus on the web. We looked at a vegan cookbook and chose Paul's first post-fast baking treat. I am eyeing the jar of pickles in the fridge, wanting to slice them up thin and savor their salty goodness.
Paul cleaned out the fridge so when we do start eating, it's clean and has plenty of space for the healthy goodness that will take up residency. I am hoping he will stay interested in eating vegan and/or healthy, for selfish reasons; I stand a better chance of cleaning up my diet if he's on the same page. When Ben + Jerry walk through the front door with him, it's usually all over for me.
I feel a little colder. A little more reclusive. A bit more inwardly focused. And definitely less congested. I haven't breathed this well through my right nostril in a long while. Dairy really isn't our friend, is it? Without meal prep, it leaves us time for a little more fun.
Plus, it's been nice to see the scale moving downward. Eight pounds as of this morning (day 8). Almost down to cycling weight, and just under the weight I was when I moved in with Paul. I have this delusional idea that I want to lose another 10 pounds or so before I leave for Nepal.
But I live with a guy who cooks and bakes. Right.
March 25, 2007
Days 5 and 6 of the Clean-o-Rama
Yesterday was a particularly active day, after my fucktard neighbor had a loud, late party; needless to say I didn't sleep great. Seems that no matter what time I go to bed, I'm up with the sun, or with Splat's help before sunrise. Anyway, yesterday Paul and I went to a yoga class which was 1.5 hours. Then we went for a small hike in a park I've never been into. It was so much less crowded than Redwood, yet still on Skyline. It had gorgeous redwoods, and is mountain bike friendly! The closest thing to good single-track in the East Bay. The fog spilled in during our hike making it chilly. We chugged down a nalgene of lemonade between the two of us. That was a lot of activity for a fasting person, and while it felt fine, I am conscious of energy spent against a caloric deficit. I bailed on going to see some live music, figuring I didn't have the energy to be that social with friends.
Speaking of caloric deficit, I didn't do this to lose weight. (That's an added bonus.) But I've lost six pounds thus fast. Nothing yesterday (!?) and only a half pound today. Maybe spinning is the magic combination for those 2.5 lb days?
I have noticed that I am more belchy. Since I can no longer burp the alphabet, this doesn't do much for me. I also notice that I am expelling mucus. After the salt water yumminess every morning, I seem to cough up mucus, and my sinuses loosen a bit. Since I do a saline wash up my nose everyday anyway, this is a lotta salt flushing. The departure method of said mucus makes sense. My respiratory system has always been my weak link. So those are the noticable side effects.
As for today, it's been a very low energy day. Three flights of stairs to the laundry room left my legs feeling heavy. I feel a little sore from yoga yesterday. Not overly talkative (which may come as a relief to Paul). Don't feel like the sharpest tack. A little dull. I haven't had the blissout that Paul has. It hasn't been challenging, but I haven't noticed improved sleep or life on the puffy cloud. My sense of smell is definitely more acute.
If tomorrow continues to be this low energy, I may try to add in some powdered greens to boost the likely nutritional deficiency. I may also consider ending the fast on Tuesday. I've been taking it day-by-day, but with the goal of making it at least seven days.
I teach a two hour spin class Friday evening in addition to my usual Thursday night class. With that in mind, I have to look at this upcoming week and approach it wisely, which may not mean fasting until the end of Thursday. We shall see.
Speaking of caloric deficit, I didn't do this to lose weight. (That's an added bonus.) But I've lost six pounds thus fast. Nothing yesterday (!?) and only a half pound today. Maybe spinning is the magic combination for those 2.5 lb days?
I have noticed that I am more belchy. Since I can no longer burp the alphabet, this doesn't do much for me. I also notice that I am expelling mucus. After the salt water yumminess every morning, I seem to cough up mucus, and my sinuses loosen a bit. Since I do a saline wash up my nose everyday anyway, this is a lotta salt flushing. The departure method of said mucus makes sense. My respiratory system has always been my weak link. So those are the noticable side effects.
As for today, it's been a very low energy day. Three flights of stairs to the laundry room left my legs feeling heavy. I feel a little sore from yoga yesterday. Not overly talkative (which may come as a relief to Paul). Don't feel like the sharpest tack. A little dull. I haven't had the blissout that Paul has. It hasn't been challenging, but I haven't noticed improved sleep or life on the puffy cloud. My sense of smell is definitely more acute.
If tomorrow continues to be this low energy, I may try to add in some powdered greens to boost the likely nutritional deficiency. I may also consider ending the fast on Tuesday. I've been taking it day-by-day, but with the goal of making it at least seven days.
I teach a two hour spin class Friday evening in addition to my usual Thursday night class. With that in mind, I have to look at this upcoming week and approach it wisely, which may not mean fasting until the end of Thursday. We shall see.
March 23, 2007
Day 3-4 of zesty fasting
Thankfully, the awfulness of Day 2 stayed there. Once the stomach ache from vomiting the previous night dissipated, Day 3 was fine. Had to remind myself to drink the lemonade, didn't feel much hunger. Very heightened sense of smell, almost annoyingly so. All this time spent not eating leaves us to pursue other fun stuff. Teaching spin last night was fine. I kept my heart rate below 85%. Luckily it wasn't a killer class, just plain ole' medium endurance riding. While spinning I did notice that my sweat was unusually salty, much like the salt water I drink each morning.
Today's been a-okay, too. Paul had the day off, and so it was a lazy morning after we consumed our salt water. It was funny to see food habits being broken; usually we'd go out for a meal or need to do some grocery shopping or the like. There was none of that, just noticing the letting go of habitry. My friend Becky was right- I was more productive due to not having to think/deal with food. Also noticed we've run the dishwasher far less than normal since we're not cooking.
I'm being intelligent, as hard as it is, and not doing long rides outside during the fast. A spin class is one thing, a ride outside is a whole different story, especially since around Berkeley-Oakland you can't escape the hills and that's where my energy would get eaten up. I will miss riding with my friends for a few days, but better to be sensible than to get myself into a bad sitch.
In other news: Starting to do a bunch of reading and research about my upcoming trip to Nepal. The Annapurna Circuit isn't a cakewalk. There's one pass, Thorung La, which is 17,770 feet we have to make it over, then descend over scree. This shit's serious. Thankfully, I will be taking a three day course to recertify my Wilderness First Responder next month, which will give me the refresher I need to deal with altitude illness and other things we may encounter on the trail. It is becoming apparent that I will need to be in phenomenal shape for this three week trek.
Today's been a-okay, too. Paul had the day off, and so it was a lazy morning after we consumed our salt water. It was funny to see food habits being broken; usually we'd go out for a meal or need to do some grocery shopping or the like. There was none of that, just noticing the letting go of habitry. My friend Becky was right- I was more productive due to not having to think/deal with food. Also noticed we've run the dishwasher far less than normal since we're not cooking.
I'm being intelligent, as hard as it is, and not doing long rides outside during the fast. A spin class is one thing, a ride outside is a whole different story, especially since around Berkeley-Oakland you can't escape the hills and that's where my energy would get eaten up. I will miss riding with my friends for a few days, but better to be sensible than to get myself into a bad sitch.
In other news: Starting to do a bunch of reading and research about my upcoming trip to Nepal. The Annapurna Circuit isn't a cakewalk. There's one pass, Thorung La, which is 17,770 feet we have to make it over, then descend over scree. This shit's serious. Thankfully, I will be taking a three day course to recertify my Wilderness First Responder next month, which will give me the refresher I need to deal with altitude illness and other things we may encounter on the trail. It is becoming apparent that I will need to be in phenomenal shape for this three week trek.
March 22, 2007
Day 2: Not Fun
Yesterday mid-day I developed a headache. Bad enough that I blew off yoga class, which is so unlike me. I felt ill at the smell of the lemonade. My sense of smell seemed heightened, and any strong smell left me queasy. The headache progressed.
While vacuuming, I started to feel nauseated. Acid reflux upchuck happened. I stopped vacuuming and took a prone position, feeling progressively more awful. Shortly after P came home, I began vomiting. I didn't have much to yak. It hurt to heave nothing. P was sweet and held my hair back. This happened on and off for a couple hours.
I managed to get to sleep. Staying asleep was another matter. I woke up at 2:30am. We took the dog out at 3am. (dammit, she still leaked!) Was awake from 2:30am to 6am. Headache dull, throbbing. Finally at 4:44am (the chinese believe the number 4 signifies death. for many years, I woke up exactly at 4:44 every morning.) I took some Ibuprofin. I had tried to be a trooper and withstand the headache, but it was going on almost 18 hours. I found some nice ways to appreciate being awake. Finally crashed out, only to be woken by Splat declaring his hunger. At least you get food, dude.
I feel better this morning. Weak. Hungryish. Headache gone. Stomach feels worked as it does after a pukefest. Was that a detox evening? Who knows.
I'll go for day 3, what the hell. I teach spin tonight. Wish me luck.
While vacuuming, I started to feel nauseated. Acid reflux upchuck happened. I stopped vacuuming and took a prone position, feeling progressively more awful. Shortly after P came home, I began vomiting. I didn't have much to yak. It hurt to heave nothing. P was sweet and held my hair back. This happened on and off for a couple hours.
I managed to get to sleep. Staying asleep was another matter. I woke up at 2:30am. We took the dog out at 3am. (dammit, she still leaked!) Was awake from 2:30am to 6am. Headache dull, throbbing. Finally at 4:44am (the chinese believe the number 4 signifies death. for many years, I woke up exactly at 4:44 every morning.) I took some Ibuprofin. I had tried to be a trooper and withstand the headache, but it was going on almost 18 hours. I found some nice ways to appreciate being awake. Finally crashed out, only to be woken by Splat declaring his hunger. At least you get food, dude.
I feel better this morning. Weak. Hungryish. Headache gone. Stomach feels worked as it does after a pukefest. Was that a detox evening? Who knows.
I'll go for day 3, what the hell. I teach spin tonight. Wish me luck.
March 21, 2007
Silly Fasting Business, Day #2
It was my idea. A spring cleaning, so to speak. It sounded like a good idea. Originally I had wanted to do a juice fast, but my friend with the juicer is out of town, hence, the juicer unavailable. Then one of my cycling friends was on a modified version of The Master Cleanse, aka The Lemonade Diet. She's not a kook, so it got me thinking maybe that would work, too. Although Becky supplemented with powdered greens, and gave me her leftovers. Haven't gone there yet and dunno if I will.
I'm doing it with Paul. Bless his hungry soul. Makes it more fun when you gulp Smooth Move tea with someone you love, then you can talk about the lovely details of it all. Or when 3:45am wakes me with stomach cramps, I have a warm understanding person to spoon away the pain. Helps, too, that he's all jazzy about it!
Besides being hungry and crave-y, it's not so bad. I am backing off on the cycling some, with Sunday's bonk still fresh in my mind. I'm teaching spin tomorrow evening, but skipping the four hour ride with Mark. I have a low-grade headache today. I haven't had caffeine in two days, could that be it? Or is it truly the detox action?
How long can I do this? It's supposed to be 10 days, but I was reading that after 7 days your body uses your own muscle for protein. I am needing all the muscle I have, so it may be limited to 7 days. I saw my chirpractor today and she thought for one's first fast 3-5 days might be more appropriate. Surprisingly, she was totally on board with the whole fasting concept. At the very least, I'd like to make it through the weekend. I've got some bike riding needing to happen while I'm not working.
Paul's suggesting a raw vegan diet after this is all done. Does that mean he won't bake? Because that truly is my downfall.
I'm doing it with Paul. Bless his hungry soul. Makes it more fun when you gulp Smooth Move tea with someone you love, then you can talk about the lovely details of it all. Or when 3:45am wakes me with stomach cramps, I have a warm understanding person to spoon away the pain. Helps, too, that he's all jazzy about it!
Besides being hungry and crave-y, it's not so bad. I am backing off on the cycling some, with Sunday's bonk still fresh in my mind. I'm teaching spin tomorrow evening, but skipping the four hour ride with Mark. I have a low-grade headache today. I haven't had caffeine in two days, could that be it? Or is it truly the detox action?
How long can I do this? It's supposed to be 10 days, but I was reading that after 7 days your body uses your own muscle for protein. I am needing all the muscle I have, so it may be limited to 7 days. I saw my chirpractor today and she thought for one's first fast 3-5 days might be more appropriate. Surprisingly, she was totally on board with the whole fasting concept. At the very least, I'd like to make it through the weekend. I've got some bike riding needing to happen while I'm not working.
Paul's suggesting a raw vegan diet after this is all done. Does that mean he won't bake? Because that truly is my downfall.
March 18, 2007
Asia Travel
I booked my ticket. I'm meeting Michelle in Bangkok. We're going to Nepal, Tibet, and who knows where else our adventures will take us. The plan, thus far, is to do the Annapurna Trail. We'll be over there for seven weeks.
Ever been over there?
Tell me about it, please. I've never done anything like this before. Been to Germany and Italy. That's it. All the more reason I should be doing this, eh?
Ever been over there?
Tell me about it, please. I've never done anything like this before. Been to Germany and Italy. That's it. All the more reason I should be doing this, eh?
February 15, 2007
Ups and Downs
Unsurprisingly, Allstate completely low-balled me in the settlement offer. They won't budge. They tell me my options are arbitration or filing suit against them.
I was super pissed yesterday when they called. Now, I simply don't care. Fine, you can screw me, Allstate. I only care about putting this behind me. I can't fully heal and move on until this is done . Allstate counts on people like me to cave. It would take weeks or months of dragging it out via arbitration or going through an attorney with the hopes of getting more money. At this point, it's no longer about money.
There's a special place in hell for you, Ms. Insurance Adjustor.
Right up there with meter maids.
(This would be a fine time to rant about the parking ticket I received from the snakes at Oakland Parking Division. (Fuckers!) They fined me $50 for parking in a red zone, when I hadn't. Part of my front bumper bled into the red zone, ever-so-slightly. However, there's been a car parked in the same spot that has been WAY bleeding into the red zone....and yet, NO TICKET!!!)
Uh, I'm feeling ranteriffic right now.
Anyway, Allstate is fucking me, but they are giving me enough money to get a new bike. I put down a deposit on a custom frame from Steve Rex of Rex Cycles . A frame that will fit me exclusively, to resolve the fit issues of long femurs and short torso and arms. I'm getting the Carbon and Steel frame. I'm going to put my REI pro-deal abilities to their fullest use and deck this bike out in the top of the line components. Hell, yeah , I will no longer have to deal with the squirrely chatter of an aluminum frame. Or of having a triple. Nor will I be riding a bike who's top tube is 5cm too long! Aside from the cost of this beauty, the only downside is this frame takes four months to get. Steve makes each frame himself, by hand. Soooooooo worth it.
Oh, and the other joy of parking in my hood? I often drive around a lot, never to find parking. So, occasionally I park in the Church lot near my place. No issues, I move the car first thing in the morning when I wake up. This moring I forgot to move it, and ran outside at 10:30am. Shouldn't be a big issue on a Thursday morning, right? WRONG! I ran out to find my 4Runner being loaded onto a tow truck. Yup. Yes, it was my own damn fault. The tow truck guys were not going to release my car! After conducting a huddle up by my front bumper, they decided to release it for eighty dollars . EXTORTION MONEY!
Oh, and guys, you can join the insurance adjustor and the meter maid in hell, okay?
I'm a firm believer in karma , folks, and you'll get yours.
I was super pissed yesterday when they called. Now, I simply don't care. Fine, you can screw me, Allstate. I only care about putting this behind me. I can't fully heal and move on until this is done . Allstate counts on people like me to cave. It would take weeks or months of dragging it out via arbitration or going through an attorney with the hopes of getting more money. At this point, it's no longer about money.
There's a special place in hell for you, Ms. Insurance Adjustor.
Right up there with meter maids.
(This would be a fine time to rant about the parking ticket I received from the snakes at Oakland Parking Division. (Fuckers!) They fined me $50 for parking in a red zone, when I hadn't. Part of my front bumper bled into the red zone, ever-so-slightly. However, there's been a car parked in the same spot that has been WAY bleeding into the red zone....and yet, NO TICKET!!!)
Uh, I'm feeling ranteriffic right now.
Anyway, Allstate is fucking me, but they are giving me enough money to get a new bike. I put down a deposit on a custom frame from Steve Rex of Rex Cycles . A frame that will fit me exclusively, to resolve the fit issues of long femurs and short torso and arms. I'm getting the Carbon and Steel frame. I'm going to put my REI pro-deal abilities to their fullest use and deck this bike out in the top of the line components. Hell, yeah , I will no longer have to deal with the squirrely chatter of an aluminum frame. Or of having a triple. Nor will I be riding a bike who's top tube is 5cm too long! Aside from the cost of this beauty, the only downside is this frame takes four months to get. Steve makes each frame himself, by hand. Soooooooo worth it.
Oh, and the other joy of parking in my hood? I often drive around a lot, never to find parking. So, occasionally I park in the Church lot near my place. No issues, I move the car first thing in the morning when I wake up. This moring I forgot to move it, and ran outside at 10:30am. Shouldn't be a big issue on a Thursday morning, right? WRONG! I ran out to find my 4Runner being loaded onto a tow truck. Yup. Yes, it was my own damn fault. The tow truck guys were not going to release my car! After conducting a huddle up by my front bumper, they decided to release it for eighty dollars . EXTORTION MONEY!
Oh, and guys, you can join the insurance adjustor and the meter maid in hell, okay?
I'm a firm believer in karma , folks, and you'll get yours.
February 1, 2007
Really?
Has it really been 20 years?
I received an email today about my 20th High School Reunion. Oy.
The internet must be a powerful tool, I don't know how else they found me. I was MIA for the 10th reunion, and then, I was still on the East Coast. I come from a place where people don't leave. Or if they do, it's a couple towns over.
More alarming, I am actually considering going to the reunion. Only vaguely considering, but still. I was one of those total outcasts. You know the type. Arty. Sullen. One of two punk kids in a sea of upturn collars and feathered hair. I grew up on Cape Cod. Politically liberal, socially stifling. Land of the cookie cutter people. So I find it surprising that I'm not rejecting the idea immediately.
Why would I pay to torture myself by seeing these people again?
Partially because I've knocked that Outsider chip off my shoulder. Partially out of morbid curiousity. There are a couple people I'd like to see. I haven't been abck to the Cape for years and years. I seek no closure from my high school years, so there's none of that.
But damn, has it really been 20 years?
I received an email today about my 20th High School Reunion. Oy.
The internet must be a powerful tool, I don't know how else they found me. I was MIA for the 10th reunion, and then, I was still on the East Coast. I come from a place where people don't leave. Or if they do, it's a couple towns over.
More alarming, I am actually considering going to the reunion. Only vaguely considering, but still. I was one of those total outcasts. You know the type. Arty. Sullen. One of two punk kids in a sea of upturn collars and feathered hair. I grew up on Cape Cod. Politically liberal, socially stifling. Land of the cookie cutter people. So I find it surprising that I'm not rejecting the idea immediately.
Why would I pay to torture myself by seeing these people again?
Partially because I've knocked that Outsider chip off my shoulder. Partially out of morbid curiousity. There are a couple people I'd like to see. I haven't been abck to the Cape for years and years. I seek no closure from my high school years, so there's none of that.
But damn, has it really been 20 years?
January 31, 2007
A Letter to Allstate
Hello XXXXX,
As you move towards the review of my claim before making your settlement offer, I'd like to tell you a few details in the hope that you will be taking this into consideration.
While we determined earlier this month that I was returned to pre injury status, I have to say, that while I am ready to settle, that is in no way true. My pre-injury status was that of a strong, fast cyclist. A cyclist for whom a 60 mile ride was an easy afternoon spin. A cyclist whose 2005 event completion included two double centuries (200 miles in a day) and ten centuries (100 miles in a day). In addition, I went on a four day, five hundred mile cycling vacation in 2005. I had planned to race in the 2006 cycling season.
All of that changed on April 5, 2006 when XXXXX XXXXXX struck my car during rush hour traffic on the 580 freeway. When Mr. XXXXX slammed into me from the side, it impacted both my neck and low back. My head snapped to the side. My pelvis was also thrown to one side. I experienced shooting pains up my spine and went to the Emergency Room at Kaiser after the accident.
While Allstate might claim I suffered "only soft tissue injuries", it was to the extent that I spent several months in pain, requiring medications such as muscle relaxants to cope with the spasms and prescription strength ibuprofin and vicodin to manage the pain. As late as November, I was still requiring muscle relaxants. I am not someone who like to ingest medications of any kind.
I lost my entire 2006 cycling year from that point on. What was my biggest passion and brought me so much joy now brought me to tears, from both pain and frustration. I could no longer ride with my friends, so my social life suffered. I could no longer get the exercise I was used to, so my overall health and mental health suffered. Ask any athlete who cannot exercise at their level and they will tell you it takes quite a toll on you mentally. I couldn't race. I could barely ride. The seven day 600 mile cycling vacation I had hope to go on with my friends, instead I spent trying to recover from these injuries. I missed the 2006 Death Ride, for which I'd already paid $89 and made the lottery cut to get in.
A few weeks after the accident, I had to buy a new bed. I had been borrowing a bed from a friend, and suddenly even sleeping caused me pain. For months, sleeping in a bed that wasn't mine caused me pain and stiffness. This wasn't how I've ever lived. I continued to have disruptions in my sleep due to pain well into early December.
I've begun riding again, starting small and trying to rebuild my cycling endurance level. Yesterday I was in tears on a ride. I was riding alone, because all my elite athlete friends have pronounced me too slow to ride with. I was going up a hill and I was feeling sore in my low back, specifically the quadratus lumborum. Before the accident, I was a very strong hill climber, nicknamed the "Ponytail Express". Here I was going up a hill at 3.5 mph. This was a hill I had easily taken at 12 mph before the accident. While I was grateful to be alive and on my bike, this was not my pre-injury status.
It occurred to me then that the 2007 cycling season will essentially be lost, too. It will not be about riding with my friends, it will be about rehabbing alone and gradually working to build my strength to get back to where I was before Mr. XXXXXX was reckless enough to hit me while uninsured.
I was invited to be a cycling mentor for the 2007 Team in Training group for this year's Death Ride. As much as I would have loved to support a team raising funds for leukemia (as I did in 2005), I knew I was not strong enough to be a cycling mentor. It was with great sadness that I declined. There's no way I'll be able to ride the Death Ride in 2007.
In addition to the loss of my greatest joy in life, there have been other repercussions from the accident. I experience stress and anxiety now when driving on the freeway. I am particularly stressed and anxious when I am a passenger in a car. My boyfriend has had to endure my panicky outbursts when he's safely driving for months now. This still continues.
While I am not claiming a loss due to work pay, I did suffer a loss. All these medical appointments caused me to miss work. As an freelance photo producer, I work on-site in ad agencies on an hourly pay basis. I am not contracted for a specific amount of money, but rather to produce a job. I did lose hours of work. But I know this is hard to track given the uniqueness of my employment, which is why I am not seeking lost wages. I was very fortunate enough to be working at a company who my boss was a work friend and she understood what I was going through and was gracious about my missing hours in the office.
I have spent over $7000 in medical treatments and expenses. I was reimbursed for the first two thousand. I am sure you can understand the loss of five thousand dollars from one's bank account being a hardship. Even though I am considered returned to pre-injury status, I am truly not there yet, if you take into account that I was an elite athlete. This year will involve added expenses of working with a coach and a trainer to try to regain my athletic abilities to where they were before the accident. While I understand Allstate won't be paying for this, I would like it if this were considered just for a moment in the claim. It's not going to be an easy year to truly return to pre-injury status.
Can you imagine how you would feel if the activity outside of work that brought you the most joy was suddenly taken away from you and only caused pain? I understand it is your job to bring a claim to closure quickly and for the lowest amount possible. So while you do your job, please consider the human element of what the past eight months have held for me.
I may be able to live life like a normal sedentary person, but I am not anywhere near the level of my pre-injury fitness, mobility, and capacity as an athlete.
For years I have had Allstate Insurance, all the while believing the marketing slogan, "Allstate. You're in good hands." Am I in good hands? I would like to believe that Allstate will settle in good faith and offer a fair and reasonable settlement.
I look forward to hearing from you next week.
Jen
As you move towards the review of my claim before making your settlement offer, I'd like to tell you a few details in the hope that you will be taking this into consideration.
While we determined earlier this month that I was returned to pre injury status, I have to say, that while I am ready to settle, that is in no way true. My pre-injury status was that of a strong, fast cyclist. A cyclist for whom a 60 mile ride was an easy afternoon spin. A cyclist whose 2005 event completion included two double centuries (200 miles in a day) and ten centuries (100 miles in a day). In addition, I went on a four day, five hundred mile cycling vacation in 2005. I had planned to race in the 2006 cycling season.
All of that changed on April 5, 2006 when XXXXX XXXXXX struck my car during rush hour traffic on the 580 freeway. When Mr. XXXXX slammed into me from the side, it impacted both my neck and low back. My head snapped to the side. My pelvis was also thrown to one side. I experienced shooting pains up my spine and went to the Emergency Room at Kaiser after the accident.
While Allstate might claim I suffered "only soft tissue injuries", it was to the extent that I spent several months in pain, requiring medications such as muscle relaxants to cope with the spasms and prescription strength ibuprofin and vicodin to manage the pain. As late as November, I was still requiring muscle relaxants. I am not someone who like to ingest medications of any kind.
I lost my entire 2006 cycling year from that point on. What was my biggest passion and brought me so much joy now brought me to tears, from both pain and frustration. I could no longer ride with my friends, so my social life suffered. I could no longer get the exercise I was used to, so my overall health and mental health suffered. Ask any athlete who cannot exercise at their level and they will tell you it takes quite a toll on you mentally. I couldn't race. I could barely ride. The seven day 600 mile cycling vacation I had hope to go on with my friends, instead I spent trying to recover from these injuries. I missed the 2006 Death Ride, for which I'd already paid $89 and made the lottery cut to get in.
A few weeks after the accident, I had to buy a new bed. I had been borrowing a bed from a friend, and suddenly even sleeping caused me pain. For months, sleeping in a bed that wasn't mine caused me pain and stiffness. This wasn't how I've ever lived. I continued to have disruptions in my sleep due to pain well into early December.
I've begun riding again, starting small and trying to rebuild my cycling endurance level. Yesterday I was in tears on a ride. I was riding alone, because all my elite athlete friends have pronounced me too slow to ride with. I was going up a hill and I was feeling sore in my low back, specifically the quadratus lumborum. Before the accident, I was a very strong hill climber, nicknamed the "Ponytail Express". Here I was going up a hill at 3.5 mph. This was a hill I had easily taken at 12 mph before the accident. While I was grateful to be alive and on my bike, this was not my pre-injury status.
It occurred to me then that the 2007 cycling season will essentially be lost, too. It will not be about riding with my friends, it will be about rehabbing alone and gradually working to build my strength to get back to where I was before Mr. XXXXXX was reckless enough to hit me while uninsured.
I was invited to be a cycling mentor for the 2007 Team in Training group for this year's Death Ride. As much as I would have loved to support a team raising funds for leukemia (as I did in 2005), I knew I was not strong enough to be a cycling mentor. It was with great sadness that I declined. There's no way I'll be able to ride the Death Ride in 2007.
In addition to the loss of my greatest joy in life, there have been other repercussions from the accident. I experience stress and anxiety now when driving on the freeway. I am particularly stressed and anxious when I am a passenger in a car. My boyfriend has had to endure my panicky outbursts when he's safely driving for months now. This still continues.
While I am not claiming a loss due to work pay, I did suffer a loss. All these medical appointments caused me to miss work. As an freelance photo producer, I work on-site in ad agencies on an hourly pay basis. I am not contracted for a specific amount of money, but rather to produce a job. I did lose hours of work. But I know this is hard to track given the uniqueness of my employment, which is why I am not seeking lost wages. I was very fortunate enough to be working at a company who my boss was a work friend and she understood what I was going through and was gracious about my missing hours in the office.
I have spent over $7000 in medical treatments and expenses. I was reimbursed for the first two thousand. I am sure you can understand the loss of five thousand dollars from one's bank account being a hardship. Even though I am considered returned to pre-injury status, I am truly not there yet, if you take into account that I was an elite athlete. This year will involve added expenses of working with a coach and a trainer to try to regain my athletic abilities to where they were before the accident. While I understand Allstate won't be paying for this, I would like it if this were considered just for a moment in the claim. It's not going to be an easy year to truly return to pre-injury status.
Can you imagine how you would feel if the activity outside of work that brought you the most joy was suddenly taken away from you and only caused pain? I understand it is your job to bring a claim to closure quickly and for the lowest amount possible. So while you do your job, please consider the human element of what the past eight months have held for me.
I may be able to live life like a normal sedentary person, but I am not anywhere near the level of my pre-injury fitness, mobility, and capacity as an athlete.
For years I have had Allstate Insurance, all the while believing the marketing slogan, "Allstate. You're in good hands." Am I in good hands? I would like to believe that Allstate will settle in good faith and offer a fair and reasonable settlement.
I look forward to hearing from you next week.
Jen
January 23, 2007
Happy Crasher
Happy Crasher
Originally uploaded by jenworth.
I love snowboarding!
Just spent the weekend up at Kirkwood. No new snow, but it was still fun. Saturday I had a really good day. No falls. Didn't even wipe out getting off the lift. It felt really good.
Sunday morning we woke up to howling winds. We suspected the mountain might be closed, and we weren't wrong. Three lifts were open, mostly really easy stuff. So after dawdling, we went out for a couple hours. I don't know what changed from the day before, but I was a mess. Thankfully it was a brief day! I lacked confidence, which kept me from catching my heel edge easily. I don't know what was up. It got a tiny bit better, but riding wasn't fluid like it was on Saturday. We rode until the end of the day, and then made a really yummy dinner of roasted stuffed squash.
We were lucky to have stayed right on the mountain (luck costs bucks, in this case) and we rode again on Monday. Once again, it felt great. I really enjoyed the bluebird day. Not crowded or cold. Just a really fun day, even if I did crash more than Saturday.
Snowboarding is F U N ! ! !
January 16, 2007
Back in the Saddle
I'm back!
Two weeks ago, my chiropractor and I proclaimed me restored to "pre-injury status". This means I am finally done treating from the car accident I was in back in April 2006. I walked away from that accident, but the accident changed the rest of 2006. I could no longer do what I loved and with the people I call my friends.
Cycling sends me over the moon. I can't express how it scrubs clear the cobwebs in my brain.
But all of December I'd been hemming and hawing about getting back on the bike, even though I wasn't working. I was telling myself, "It's no fun to ride alone".
Bullshit!
Yesterday, one of my favorite people gave me back cycling. Marty said, "wanna ride soon?" in an email. We were out there yesterday afternoon, in the freezing cold at 4pm for a quick spin. I've certainly lost some power and strength, but not the joy of being on the bike. That is, so long as I lose the ego, and not think of what level of riding I was at during the 2005 season.
It wasn't an earth shattering ride; it was only an hour long. But it showed me that my legs were still strong, just not what they were. Thanks to the performance indoor cycling program (we can't call ourselves Spin, because we don't license from Johnny G) at Berkeley Ironworks, I've been able to maintain cardio and some strength.
So today, I went riding again. Alone. Riding alone is fun, because cycling is fun. It was freezing out, and I had to go to REI to get a skull cap and a proper cycling windbreaker. (Thankful once again, I am an employee of the REI Outdoor School and entitled to that employee discount!)
Another "quick ride". See, for me, anything less than 30 miles was not worth breaking out the bike. I have to lose that thinking, and appreciate the sheer joy of being in the saddle. Climbing hills on a bike has always been a favorite part of cycling, and I still love it.
So, while I get back into cycling shape and my 2007 cycling season evolves, I'll try to keep cycling related blather over here . It could get tedious, I'll warn you. I may use that blog to document my training progress in only a way I care to follow. Who knows. Who knows what this season will bring. But it's nice to be back.
Two weeks ago, my chiropractor and I proclaimed me restored to "pre-injury status". This means I am finally done treating from the car accident I was in back in April 2006. I walked away from that accident, but the accident changed the rest of 2006. I could no longer do what I loved and with the people I call my friends.
Cycling sends me over the moon. I can't express how it scrubs clear the cobwebs in my brain.
But all of December I'd been hemming and hawing about getting back on the bike, even though I wasn't working. I was telling myself, "It's no fun to ride alone".
Bullshit!
Yesterday, one of my favorite people gave me back cycling. Marty said, "wanna ride soon?" in an email. We were out there yesterday afternoon, in the freezing cold at 4pm for a quick spin. I've certainly lost some power and strength, but not the joy of being on the bike. That is, so long as I lose the ego, and not think of what level of riding I was at during the 2005 season.
It wasn't an earth shattering ride; it was only an hour long. But it showed me that my legs were still strong, just not what they were. Thanks to the performance indoor cycling program (we can't call ourselves Spin, because we don't license from Johnny G) at Berkeley Ironworks, I've been able to maintain cardio and some strength.
So today, I went riding again. Alone. Riding alone is fun, because cycling is fun. It was freezing out, and I had to go to REI to get a skull cap and a proper cycling windbreaker. (Thankful once again, I am an employee of the REI Outdoor School and entitled to that employee discount!)
Another "quick ride". See, for me, anything less than 30 miles was not worth breaking out the bike. I have to lose that thinking, and appreciate the sheer joy of being in the saddle. Climbing hills on a bike has always been a favorite part of cycling, and I still love it.
So, while I get back into cycling shape and my 2007 cycling season evolves, I'll try to keep cycling related blather over here . It could get tedious, I'll warn you. I may use that blog to document my training progress in only a way I care to follow. Who knows. Who knows what this season will bring. But it's nice to be back.
January 12, 2007
La di da.
Total Cuteness
Originally uploaded by jenworth.
I have not worked since Thanksgiving.
Clearly, I need to get out more, because I am talking to the cats.
That is all.
January 7, 2007
Another cat. What the hell?
Another cat. What the hell?
Originally uploaded by jenworth.
I'm starting to scare even myself. Am I destined to be a crazy cat lady? I swear I won't get one of those funky smelling apartments where it's obvious that there are cats due to catstench.
suggested names for this little guy are welcomed!
his foster mom named him picasso. no way.
he looks like ink was thrown on him; you have to see his crazy markings.
named bandied about:
splat: looks like he was splattered with ink
jack: he looks like a jackson pollock painting
he's so contrasty compared to the creamy orange Hippo.
January 4, 2007
Shallow Me
Apparently, I am shallow. And I like it.
I am a magazine junkie. I'll read nearly any magazine, and usually even have a subscription to a handful of different magazines. If P didn't mock Oprah as hard as he does, I'll probably even have a sub to "O", even though she's such an egomanic that she's on the cover every month.
Anyway.
Have you ever given magazines' purpose any thought? I mean, besides to sell ads, although this fits in nicely with my theory. Magazines exist to tell you about your imperfections. How to camoflage those 10 pounds. How to be more thoughtful. Stronger. Better looking, through make-up and fashion, of course. How to get rid of the gut, have a nicer house, get a better car, trick out your motorcycle, and overall, how to overhaul your sad-sack of a life. And if you want to avoid recognizing your pathetic life, you can drown yourself in celebrity tabloids. Now, those people are fucked. Even if they are rich!
Oh, and those ads? They're there to help you understand which products you'll need for your self-improvement project.
So magazines are essentially there to point out our flaws (and improve them) and to sell products.
Why do I love magazines so? A lot of them are ALL ads (hello, Vogue!). A lot have bad photography. But they're like little snippets into a culture. They're aspirational (hello, marketing buzzword!). They are a timesuck. Okay, there's my excuse and I'm sticking to it.
Plus they are a waste of paper. Few use eco-friendly inks. I gotta get over this magazine thing.
Also, I heard on the radio yesterday an interview with some gal who wrote a book about current trends. Can't recall the title, only that she works at J Walter Thompson. She was speaking about how we're all feeling an emotional void which is why we try to fill it up with products.
But it was her comments about the superficiality of our relationships that stuck with me. She said we'd rather have 14 "lite" friends of a superficial nature with whom we can have small talk. Those people make us feel good and we can interact with them in brief spurts. She claims we, as a society, prefer that to having a small group of truly deep friendships, the kind of friends we can spend two hours talking to. She asserts it's because we don't have or make time, so we squeeze our friendships in wherever we have a moment in the cracks of our lives.
She may be right. I notice this myself. I have many "friends". How many of these "friends" do I get together with on a regular basis and gift them with my time and attention. Very few, but they're also not seeking it out because we all have busy lives and they, too, seemingly prefer the kind of quick interactions that friendship seems to be about these days. I have few friends that I get together with or have long, meaningful conversations. I cherish each of these people and times we get together. But there are people with whom I'd like to spend more time....I just don't "have" the time. That's bullshit, though.
One revelation I had years ago was this: for those who don't have enough time, they need to remember it's about choices. We all have the same 24 hours in a day. No one gets any more or any less. We all choose how we spend those 24 hours. So when you don't "have" time to spend with friends, or to go to the gym or whatever, it's because it's not a priority enough to make time for it.
Which leads me back to feeling shallow and selfish because there are people I truly want to connect with and somehow haven't made the time to do so.
I am a magazine junkie. I'll read nearly any magazine, and usually even have a subscription to a handful of different magazines. If P didn't mock Oprah as hard as he does, I'll probably even have a sub to "O", even though she's such an egomanic that she's on the cover every month.
Anyway.
Have you ever given magazines' purpose any thought? I mean, besides to sell ads, although this fits in nicely with my theory. Magazines exist to tell you about your imperfections. How to camoflage those 10 pounds. How to be more thoughtful. Stronger. Better looking, through make-up and fashion, of course. How to get rid of the gut, have a nicer house, get a better car, trick out your motorcycle, and overall, how to overhaul your sad-sack of a life. And if you want to avoid recognizing your pathetic life, you can drown yourself in celebrity tabloids. Now, those people are fucked. Even if they are rich!
Oh, and those ads? They're there to help you understand which products you'll need for your self-improvement project.
So magazines are essentially there to point out our flaws (and improve them) and to sell products.
Why do I love magazines so? A lot of them are ALL ads (hello, Vogue!). A lot have bad photography. But they're like little snippets into a culture. They're aspirational (hello, marketing buzzword!). They are a timesuck. Okay, there's my excuse and I'm sticking to it.
Plus they are a waste of paper. Few use eco-friendly inks. I gotta get over this magazine thing.
Also, I heard on the radio yesterday an interview with some gal who wrote a book about current trends. Can't recall the title, only that she works at J Walter Thompson. She was speaking about how we're all feeling an emotional void which is why we try to fill it up with products.
But it was her comments about the superficiality of our relationships that stuck with me. She said we'd rather have 14 "lite" friends of a superficial nature with whom we can have small talk. Those people make us feel good and we can interact with them in brief spurts. She claims we, as a society, prefer that to having a small group of truly deep friendships, the kind of friends we can spend two hours talking to. She asserts it's because we don't have or make time, so we squeeze our friendships in wherever we have a moment in the cracks of our lives.
She may be right. I notice this myself. I have many "friends". How many of these "friends" do I get together with on a regular basis and gift them with my time and attention. Very few, but they're also not seeking it out because we all have busy lives and they, too, seemingly prefer the kind of quick interactions that friendship seems to be about these days. I have few friends that I get together with or have long, meaningful conversations. I cherish each of these people and times we get together. But there are people with whom I'd like to spend more time....I just don't "have" the time. That's bullshit, though.
One revelation I had years ago was this: for those who don't have enough time, they need to remember it's about choices. We all have the same 24 hours in a day. No one gets any more or any less. We all choose how we spend those 24 hours. So when you don't "have" time to spend with friends, or to go to the gym or whatever, it's because it's not a priority enough to make time for it.
Which leads me back to feeling shallow and selfish because there are people I truly want to connect with and somehow haven't made the time to do so.
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